


then, the sun set

by acastle



Series: see you in this light [1]
Category: VICTON (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Disbandment, Slow Burn, Soft sex, mentions events of December 2019-January 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:53:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 37,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27893374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acastle/pseuds/acastle
Summary: Seungsik waits patiently as Seungwoo tries to gather his words, but he knows in himself that he’s sure. This is what needs to be done.“It, this was just supposed to be temporary,” Seungwoo says, trying. “I just need time.”“No, Seungwoo,” he says, giving him a gentle smile. Tries to let him know thatit’s okay;that for them, this is the best thing to do. “Time can heal a lot of things, but. Sometimes, it needs more.”(Seungsik, Seungwoo, and the quiet nights that follow the day they became seven again, learning how their pieces can fit together.)
Relationships: Han Seungwoo/Kang Seungsik
Series: see you in this light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080602
Comments: 36
Kudos: 132
Collections: VICFEST®—round two!





	then, the sun set

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this feeling unsure about it the whole time, trying to treat something so delicate with a steady hand and as much respect as I could inject in every word, for all sides of the situation. I love and appreciate and respect everything seungwoo, victon, and x1 had gone through, though this is mostly a love letter to seungsik and his quiet struggle. they've all worked hard, and all deserve to be loved and appreciated. 
> 
> thank you to the mods. I am still very new to this fandom, though i've been writing for a long time. I hope this self-prompted work is a good addition to the collection that they've worked hard to compile and put together. 
> 
> please, do not send to anyone mentioned here.

It had been a hard year.

Every year is hard, but this year, particularly. It had been a mountain to go through, but November, blessedly, in the time of the cold and a dawning winter, had brought a new beginning, another gust of air breathed into them, and it was cold, but there was warmth around them, in them. Not enough to quite fill the emptiness that being incomplete had left, but still. 

It was something. A miracle. 

Seungsik didn’t take miracles lightly. So he worked hard to really  _ earn it,  _ so that the second chance would be really deserved. Worked hard so that even if the clawing sensation of their collective phantom limb, the absence of the sturdy, bright, dependable spirit, tears at them and chips away at their resolve, little by little, somehow, he would be a good enough placeholder. That the others could depend on him, look to him and be led by him, even if they all ache from holding themselves up without the person who took the chance to help give them this new miracle.

He worked hard. They all did. 

And they did well. They did  _ so  _ well. 

They breathe it in, the new breath of life, as much as their lungs can carry, enough for them and more to spill over for the one they’re waiting for. 

He hopes that Seungwoo is proud. They kept the torch burning, and it had been  _ hard,  _ but they did it. 

.

November happens. It brings about the highest point of their careers, thus far.

It’s also when the news comes out. 

Seungwoo had told him through text, and really, whenever he comes to see them, on days he’s free (a rare occurrence) and when they’re practicing and preparing for  _ so many things,  _ jarring after months upon months of  _ nothing, “Don’t worry about me. Just keep working hard, I’m sure things will turn out okay.” _

It doesn’t stop Seungsik from being concerned. 

Then, December 30 comes. And Seungsik worries even more.

But there’s not much room to think too much about it, with the concert dates in less than a week, and so much to work on and guiding the others so they can do the best they can, too. 

But, the weight remains on his shoulders, as he does his best to lift everyone’s spirits as they work into the nights and early mornings, doing rehearsals and fittings and recordings, and thinking about Seungwoo, hoping that everything isn’t weighing and sitting heavily in his chest too much. 

He’s always had the tendency to endure, endure until the urge to snap would sink deep into his stomach, and he would suffer by himself, letting it stew inside him. 

Seungsik’s watched him endure for too many years. Had held his hand through most of it, but now, with this. 

He doesn’t know how to help him, pull him out from the pit. Help him breathe. 

The concert dates come. They sell out the shows, and they feel like they’re high up in the clouds. They feel loved, finally heard, and it’s a warmth in his chest, a lightness. Relief, so much relief, and joy, unlike it had been before. 

Then. The sixth of January.

He waits for news, as he has every day before it. 

A message comes through to their group chat. 

_ ‘Vote wasn’t unanimous. They’re disbanding us.’ _

Seungsik’s heart breaks.

He makes to reply, but. Seungsik doesn’t know what he can say. Doesn’t know how to support him, help him feel a little less burdened. 

He wishes he could hold his hand, endure it with him. 

He messages him privately instead, ‘I’m sorry. I hope all of you are doing well.’

Seungwoo replies a little later on, even though Seungsik doesn’t expect him to.  _ ‘thank you. I’m taking care of the kids, it’s a little hard for us right now. I hope we’ll be okay.’ _

Seungsik feels his chest tighten.  _ I wish there was someone to take care of you. I wish I could be there right now,  _ he wants to tell him, but he doesn’t. 

He wishes he did.

.

When Seungwoo comes back to them, Seungsik can tell that he’s doing his best to keep himself together, for all of them. Maybe mostly for himself. 

But, he’s smiling, even though he’s a little more quiet, a little less energetic.

He’s trying. And that’s more than any of them could ask for, and they help him along as much as they can, easing him back home with them, while keeping in mind that he had been making another, knowing it’s important to him, too. 

So they all try, together, but. He’s not completely himself. 

He keeps himself busy, with a fanmeet to prepare for, with editorial shoots for magazines, making music and camping out in the studio, and as much as he can, Seungsik tries to drop in and keep him company, even for just a short while. 

It’s one of those nights, it’s late and it’s lights out in the dorm, and Seungsik is in bed, awake despite the late hour. Subin and Sejun are asleep in their own beds, out like logs, and somehow, he can’t follow them to sleep. 

They’d been told today, many hours earlier, that they would be returning as a seven-piece, soon. They’d felt many things, as they would. 

Happy, foremost, but also unsure, a little nervous, maybe even apprehensive. A lot had changed in the past half a year, and relearning a dynamic is daunting. As much as they want to return to the way they had been before, they can’t just force things to snap back into place instantly. 

Seungwoo is here. He’s home, and he’s doing his best to be happy. It doesn’t mean things fall into place, and while they’re working on it, Seungsik doesn’t know if the pieces are coming together correctly, fitting together as they did. 

Truthfully, though. He’s unsure if it will ever be like it had been the year before. The pieces have gone through mountains, and they’ve been chipped at and hewn and they look a little different, certainly feel a little different. 

But, if the pieces were to fall into a new configuration, together. Relearning and finding new spaces to fill each other in, then. He’ll be happy, it would be enough. 

It will be different, but it would still be home. 

The door opens slightly, and he looks up, and sees Seungwoo poking his head out a little, looking tired, a little worn, and Seungsik can tell he’d just spent many hours in the studio again, ignoring his exhaustion. 

“Hey,” he says, sitting up slightly on his bed, keeping his voice low so he doesn’t wake up the other two. “Just got back?”

“Yeah,” he replies, voice similarly hushed. He smiles a little, eyes scrunching slightly, but he’s clearly got a lot on his mind. 

Seungsik doesn’t stop to think, moves a bit to the side, and he pats the other side of his bed, offering him a bit of company tonight. 

Seungwoo looks at him, a little shyly, but he doesn’t pause for very long. He comes in, closing the door carefully and as soundlessly as he can, and he pads over to him. Climbs in under the comforter, and though the bed isn’t very big as it is, he moves in closer to Seungsik, pulling him in too until they’re facing each other, cuddled together with barely inches between them. 

Seungwoo blinks slowly, thoughtfully, and he pouts slightly as he thinks, and Seungsik looks at him quietly. Seungwoo, for as long as he’d known him, had always been such a towering presence. Charismatic, bright, loud but gentle, always so tender with them all, and Seungsik had always been so drawn to him. How couldn’t he be, how could anyone else not be, with the way Seungwoo just emanated such a kind, dependable,  _ strong _ energy. 

But, he’s reminded now how Seungwoo is just as  _ human  _ as anyone else, for all his stature, he can become so soft, tucked into a ball against Seungsik’s body, seeking him for warmth. 

“How are you feeling?” he asks him quietly, burrowing himself under the sheets with him, and it’s warm between them. There’s not much space, but Seungsik finds the proximity comforting. He hopes Seungwoo feels just as comforted. 

Seungwoo breathes, pausing before he answers just as softly, “A little overwhelmed, if I’m being honest. I’m just trying to make sense of everything.”

Seungsik can only imagine. With everything that had happened, he wouldn’t know how to be able to grasp everything the way Seungwoo had, quietly and with grace but still treading the waters lightly. 

In front of everyone else, Seungwoo had to be a little more blank, maybe even stronger than he really felt, so no one would misunderstand and pick apart what he showed to mean something he didn’t. 

Between the two of them, now. Even in the smallest way, Seungwoo is vulnerable and open. 

It’s not a trust placed on him that Seungsik takes lightly. 

A thought had been in his mind, since the day they’d been told Seungwoo would be returning, after months of unsteadiness and figuring things out as six, and after months of great highs and terrible injustice to the eleven who deserved much more. 

Truthfully, it had been on his mind, maybe even before that, seeing how Seungwoo had given up so much of himself to keep them afloat. 

“Hyung,” he starts quietly, thinking of how to broach the subject tactfully, respectfully. “Are you okay?”

Seungwoo doesn’t answer for several moments, and he even seems to shrink slightly, curling into him even more, his long limbs slightly awkward. “I’m getting there, I think. Really, I don’t know,” he says, sighing quietly. He breathes, and makes a soft noise, a small sad smile on his face, like he’d just realized something. He laughs, and he says under his breath, a little humorlessly, “Bouncy ball, isn’t it?”

Seungsik feels his chest constrict as he looks at him, sees the light dim slightly in his eyes as he speaks. 

“I’ll stay on as leader,” he says, clinging on to the gust of courage. 

Seungwoo looks at him immediately, eyes going wide as he takes in the words he’d just been told, what Seungsik is offering him. “Sik, I. No, it’s okay,” he says, stumbling a little over his words. His lips quiver slightly, “It’s okay.”

Seungsik can tell it’s not, but he waits patiently as Seungwoo tries to gather his words, but he knows in himself that he’s sure. This is what needs to be done. 

“It, this was just supposed to be temporary,” Seungwoo says, trying. “I just need time.”

“No, hyung,” he says, giving him a gentle smile. Tries to let him know that  _ it’s okay;  _ that for them, this is the best thing to do. “Time can heal a lot of things, but. Sometimes, it needs more.”

And it strikes a small nerve. Seungwoo looks at him, his eyes filming over with a shine that betrays his emotion, and Seungsik pulls him in, leaning their foreheads together. 

“I’ve been doing okay, haven’t I?” he asks him gently, and Seungwoo breathes lowly. 

“Yeah,” he says, not hesitating. “So well. You’ve been leading everyone so well.” 

Seungsik looks at him, sees Seungwoo can’t quite look him in the eye, as close as they are. He thinks with a heavy heart, asks, “Will it hurt you, if I stay in the position? Will it be okay, if I lead you? I don’t want to offend you-“

“No,  _ no,  _ it’s not that,” he says, looking at him then, eyes wide. “I know you’d be  _ great  _ at it. I do. I just,” he pauses, swallowing heavily as he tries to get the words out, “I don’t want to be a burden, to you.”

“You’re not,” Seungsik tells him instantly, not wanting him to doubt what he’s trying to say. He holds him close, says, “You wouldn’t be.”

Seungwoo breathes deeply, “I don’t know if it’s okay for me to even  _ think of  _ to ask you to do this. I don’t know.”

“Do you trust me enough to take the load?” Seungsik asks him quietly. 

“That’s too much to ask from you,” he tells him.

“It’s too much to ask from  _ you,”  _ he says quietly, firmly. “Especially now.”

Seungwoo looks at him, and Seungsik sees the way he looks so  _ tired,  _ despite the constant fight he has with himself to keep himself bright. 

More than that, he sees the resignation, the way Seungsik’s words are closer to the truth than he might be ready to verbally admit. But Seungsik sees it; that as much as his eyes have dimmed, there are still flickers of hope. 

If this will keep those flickers burning, let them live long enough to grow into real flames, then that would be enough. 

“It’s okay,” he says, moves in just that but closer so their noses touch properly. Seungwoo exhales, letting the words in. “Go be yourself. That’s all you need to do.” 

“What about you?” he asks him, voice low, grateful. 

“Don’t worry about me,” Seungsik tells him, smiling quietly. “We’ll be okay.”

.

They bring it up over an at-home team dinner, and no one seems to be very surprised. 

If anything, everyone is supportive, and while Seungsik knows it will be a shift that will take time getting used to, it’s felt in all of them, that this is needed. 

So, he does his best. Works harder, harder still, so the change doesn’t feel too jarring. Just wants to make things as seamless for everyone, even if the pieces are still trying to find a way to fit again.

Seungwoo continues to prepare for his fanmeeting, while they’re in the very early stages of preparing for a comeback, choosing songs and writing others, beginning rehearsals while he straddles the other hurdle along with it. He keeps himself busy, and Seungsik sees the way he works himself so hard, barely giving himself time to rest. 

It’s worrying, but. He sees the light in Seungwoo’s eyes return, spark by spark, the bounce returns to his step, the curve of his smile inches wider and his laugh. Bright,  _ so bright,  _ like he’d been lit up from the inside, and Seungsik understands enough that  _ this  _ is what he wants. 

He’s doing what he wants, finally letting the burdens weighing his shoulders down go. 

The fanmeeting comes. Seungwoo lights up onstage, days upon days of work paying off, every inch of him belonging there, and it’s not as if  _ months  _ of instability are suddenly gone, the trauma and pain from the wait and lack of answers and reassurance still very much  _ there,  _ but. They’re getting there. Seungwoo is getting there, finding what it is to be himself again, smiling and so  _ beautiful  _ as he does it. 

Seungsik watches, say with the others, and his chest glows and burns with pride.

And, with love. Too much of it, as it had always done. 

There was almost a decade of time and memory and struggle, between them. Loving him had always been an inevitability, something he’d known and acknowledged quietly, just to himself. He suspects that Chan, really, maybe  _ all _ of them, know how he feels. He’s not subtle, but a lot has happened in the past year. He doesn’t think anything will ever come of it, anyway. Him being in love with Seungwoo just isn’t something that anyone needs to be bothered about, not when other things are more important. 

Seungwoo smiles, laughs, enchants everyone in the room. Seungsik smiles with him, and this is enough. 

.

It’s late, and Seungsik is the only one still awake in the room, maybe even in the whole dorm. Seems to be the case, these past few weeks, with everything being planned and confirmed, and after the full day of dancing they had had, he understands why Sejun and Subin would have gone straight to bed as soon as they had gotten back, passing out from all the work they had put in for the day. 

Seungsik is awake, though. Always seems to be awake, always seems to be the first to wake and one of the last to go to bed. With songs being recorded, one after the other, with shoots to plan for the video and the jacket, and so many moving parts and gears needed to make everything come together, and this time, Seungsik finds himself at the center, having to direct how some parts go. It’s a lot on his shoulders, but he trudges on. 

The company had been supportive of their collective decision to let him stay on as leader, and they know they have a mountain of work ahead of them. Things to prove, fans to return to, and newer fans to ease the situation into and comfort. Many people to appease, and while Seungsik has always known they would always be there, had always known that their existence would be something of a bitter reminder of what had transpired to some, he hadn’t been prepared for the sheer volume of them.

But. He does his best. He works hard, as he’d always done, tries not to get overwhelmed. 

Even after months of being in the position, there’s still a learning curve he still hasn’t quite gotten used to, especially now with Seungwoo there, changing so much of the dynamic again. 

It’s strange, to lead Seungwoo, having him look to him for the next step, for his choices, for his instruction. To make decisions for all of them, to guide them, to be stronger than what he really was for the sake of everyone else. 

Really, to do what Seungwoo had done, for as long as he did. 

The door opens, and Seungsik looks up to see Seungwoo coming in, another tired smile on his face, and the smiles always seem to be tired these days, but. This time, he can see the light reaching his eyes. 

It’s a balm to Seungsik’s chest, just seeing him this way again, after so long. 

“Just got back?”

Seungwoo nods, and his hair is still slightly damp from the shower he’d taken as soon as he’d gotten back. “Had coffee with Seungyoun after I left the studio, too.”

Seungsik nods, giving him a small smile. “He’s doing well, then?”

Seungwoo smiles, “Yeah. He’s been working hard.”

Seungsik scoots to the side as Seungwoo comes nearer, lifting up his blankets to burrow under them with him, immediately curling into his warmth, much like he had, those weeks ago, when their dynamic changed for the group changed, maybe permanently. Seungsik hums, bringing his arms up to wrap around him, chest feeling warm as Seungwoo hums against him, looking content. 

They used to do this often, before. They would find themselves, somehow, gravitating to wherever the other would be. Slipping under sheets, towels, jackets, or even forgoing any sort of covering. Curling around one another, laying on each other’s laps or bellies, taking moments to breathe, sleep. Just pause.

It’s not much different to what they’d done before, but. There is still  _ something,  _ something Seungsik can’t quite place, that just feels  _ different.  _ A shift he can’t put a name to. 

He wants to ask Seungwoo about it, can see it in the way he looks all and tense altogether, the crease of his eyebrows and the way he just looks down, lips pursed together, and the way he breathes just slightly slower. He wants to ask, but. 

There are wounds he doesn’t know about, wounds that Seungwoo may be trying to stitch together, and Seungsik doesn’t want to open the seams he’s trying to make, to heal. 

So, he just says, “You’re doing well, hyung.”

Seungwoo looks at him then, eyes round, and Seungsik breathes slowly with him, sees the way he blinks at him, not understanding, or maybe. Not knowing what prompted him to say the words. 

“You don’t need to endure by yourself. Things will be okay,” he offers gently, murmuring the words, just shared between them. 

Seungwoo looks at him, eyes softening, and he sighs quietly, and Seungsik feels the tenseness deflate, leaving his shoulders lighter in their wake. He holds Seungsik tighter, exhales, calm on his face. 

“What are you saying, I just want cuddles,” Seungwoo says lightly moments later, though he clings on a little tighter, nuzzling his nose into Seungsik’s throat.

“Of course,” Seungsik says, smiling warmly and even chuckling softly. 

Seungwoo smiles, his cheeks rounding, his eyes creasing into the wonderful crescents that brighten his expression, just like his sun. Seungsik could look at him forever, this way. 

And it’s then, that things really,  _ truly  _ change. 

Seungwoo looks at him, and his gaze seems so  _ different  _ but also still familiar, and Seungsik doesn’t know what to make of it. 

Seungsik stays still as Seungwoo inches closer to him, closer still, until their noses brush against each other, and he can’t help but feel the way his chest pounds as Seungwoo brings a hand up to cup his cheek, his fingers gently gliding down the line of his jaw, his touch tender. 

“Hyung?” Seungsik says, his body stilling as Seungwoo tilts his head slightly. 

He takes a moment, before he asks softly, “Can I try something, Sikie?”

Seungsik feels like his heart about to fly right out of his chest. He nods, barely a slight jerk of his head down, feeling like his throat is locked up, and he trembles despite himself. He’s a  _ mess,  _ trying desperately not to be, but Seungwoo understands.

Seungwoo leans in, and Seungsik can count the eyelashes that fan over his cheek, sharply fragile on his pale skin. His eyes are tender, the slope of his nose especially long, endless from where Seungsik is, and his mouth, inviting, pink and thin and then they’re on Seungsik’s own, pressing a small, fleeting kiss. Barely a breath, before he’s pulling back, his cheeks pink and eyes bright.

Seungsik sees the world in them. 

“Sorry,” Seungwoo takes his silence, his lack of movement as rejection, pulling back with a small, apologetic smile gracing his lips, and Seungsik’s heart pounds.

Seungsik chases after his lips, and he kisses him again, but now. Deeper, breathing him in as Seungwoo makes a small noise against his lips, before he melts against Seungsik’s mouth, tilting his head back and cupping his face as Seungsik angles his head back to kiss him deeper, fitting their mouths together, seamless, gentle.

Seungwoo tastes of home, familiar and new altogether, his lips smooth, parting easily for him as they lick into each other’s mouths. He moans against Seungsik’s lips, breath hitched, and Seungsik’s chest is singing. He trembles slightly as Seungwoo tilts his head again, sharing control between them, and Seungsik  _ can’t think.  _ Can barely wrap his head around what’s happening between them, that Seungwoo,  _ Seungwoo  _ had kissed him first, that he’s  _ still  _ kissing him, breathing in the same air and licking against his tongue as Seungsik parts his lips for him, moaning instantly as Seungwoo licks into his mouth almost instantly, humming against his lips, like a soft purr. 

Seungsik moans, shivering as Seungwoo holds his face, angles his face up so he can fit his lips on his, sucking on his bottom lip and tongue, and Seungsik tries his hardest to swallow down the noises he makes, but. 

Seungwoo kisses him like he’s been doing it forever, with sure motions and gentle licks and Seungsik tries to kiss him with as much fervor, his chest thrumming as Seungwoo moans into his mouth. Their noises are soft, but he hopes still that the other two in the room are deep in their sleep, and that he and Seungwoo are not heard. 

Seungwoo’s fingers are soon on his hip, skimming the sliver of skin above his waistband, where his shirt had ridden up just slightly. Seungsik’s breath shudders, his skin erupting in goosebumps as Seungwoo’s long, criminally slender fingers slip under his shirt, gently dancing across his stomach, his ribs, up his side, and Seungsik can’t breathe, instantly overwhelmed. 

“Ah,  _ hyung,  _ wait,” he says, gasps as the pads of Seungwoo’s fingers brush over his nipple. He swallows heavily, words leaving him as he reaches in to stop Seungwoo’s hand from moving any further, his neck hot and his belly similarly heated. “We can’t. Not, not here, not now.”

Seungwoo looks at him, his eyes dark, his cheeks pink. Seungsik can’t meet his eyes, overwhelmed with how intent his gaze is. “Of course,” he says tenderly, voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry, I should have asked-“

“It’s, it’s okay,” he says. He looks up, and tries his best not to look away in embarrassment, seeing that Seungwoo’s eyes haven’t lost their intensity. “I liked it. Really, it’s just. We can’t, not right now.”

“Next time, then? When we’re alone?” Seungwoo asks him, eyes lighting up, and Seungsik doesn’t know if it’s in his head, or if there really is a flicker of hope in Seungwoo’s eyes as he waits for his answer. 

_ Next time.  _ He wants a next time. 

Seungsik can barely speak. Doesn’t know  _ why  _ Seungwoo would want a next time with him. But, he says, “Okay.”

Seungwoo smiles, and Seungsik falls deeper, still. 

.

He’s alone in bed when he wakes up, Subin and Sejun sprawled on their beds, sleeping still, and his chest twists slightly, thinking about what had happened the night before.

Seungwoo’s lips, he now knows, are soft, the thin skin smooth, and they fit over Seungsik’s mouth in a way that he can’t possibly forget. Really, if Seungsik had to think of a word, it would be  _ perfect,  _ achingly wonderful as the moment plays over in his mind, warming his soul. 

It had been perfect. 

But, today is another day, another reality to face. 

He doesn’t know what the day will bring, in the aftermath of the shift.

He pushes himself to get up, and wakes the other two gently, another full rehearsal and recording ahead of them, barely weeks away from releasing their new album, and there’s still so much that needs to be done. He sighs, giving into their whining and giving them five more minutes on their alarms before they  _ really  _ need to be up to start getting ready to get to the company to practice, and he goes out to wake the others, preparing to pull Byungchan out of his bed because he always needs it, but he stops by the kitchen to get the hot water going for tea and noodles and whatever anyone else might want. 

To his surprise, the kitchen isn’t empty. Seungwoo, looking too put together for the early hour, like he hadn’t kissed Seungsik until his chest gasped for air hours earlier is leaning against the counter, taking small sips from a mug Seungsik didn’t know they even had, and he keeps making faces as he stares down at whatever he’s drinking. 

“I think this coffee is expired,” he says, pouting. “It tastes like liquid ashtray.”

“How would you know what that would taste like?” Seungsik says, and he feels like he’s about to jump out of his skin, doesn’t know how to act in front of him. If he should acknowledge what happened between them, or if he should go on, acting like they always have; but, in the end, he tries to be calm. Tries to be as natural as he can, comes over to him to take the mug from him and saying, “Why are you making coffee?”

Seungwoo looks at him, and Seungsik doesn’t miss the way his cheeks are dusted pink, and the way his gaze turns shy. “I, um. I wanted to make something nice for you. I was trying to make some breakfast, but you woke up earlier than I expected. I didn’t even get to decide what to make, yet, but I tried to make coffee first, but. Uh.”

It’s then that Seungsik notices the other mug on the counter, filled with dark liquid, curls of steam rising from the surface, and he stills, feeling his own cheeks heat up. He looks at Seungwoo, who avoids his gaze, embarrassed, and Seungsik is impossibly endeared. 

“You didn’t have to,” he says, but he can’t deny how pleased he is, quietly touched at the thought of the gesture. 

“I wanted to,” Seungwoo says, and he gives a small shrug. He’s still blushing, but he looks at Seungsik then, in the least. He smiles, ducks his head, and Seungsik feels his heart race in his chest. 

He leans in, feeling a little braver than he knows he is, kisses him gently. 

He pulls back after a moment, and Seungwoo is blinking at him, eyes wide, his face turning redder and redder, but he pulls Seungsik back in to kiss him again, a little deeper, longer, wrapping his arms around his back and keeping him close. 

Seungsik hums, tilting his head back so Seungwoo can kiss him more comfortably, brings his hands up to hold his arms, trying to keep himself tethered to the ground. 

It feels too comfortable, too much like they’ve been doing this for much longer than just the night before, but he sinks into it, liking how it feels more than he feels is allowed. 

Seungwoo pulls back not much later, but he keeps their faces close, close enough that Seungsik can count the faint creases in his forehead, from so many nights sequestering himself in the studio, and many more months of uncertainty. 

But, his eyes are bright, tender, and there is a smile gracing his lips, small signs of things settling, as he says, “Then, let’s get Americanos instead, on the way?”

“Okay,” Seungsik says, agreeing easily, smiling in turn as Seungwoo grins at him. 

He didn’t know what to expect, and he still doesn’t. But, Seungwoo’s smiling, his eyes lit up as he turns to get things ready for the meal, and Seungsik breathes easier, seeing him this way. 

He’s brighter, lighter than he’d been in a while, and it’s enough. This is enough, for Seungsik, knowing that if through taking on the position, or what had happened the night before, that Seungwoo could breathe and smile like this, it’s more than enough. 

He doesn’t know, if Seungwoo is looking for comfort, if Seungsik just happened to be the closest one there, or. In his best, most beautiful dreams, if he  _ really  _ did feel in a way remotely similar to what Seungsik had felt for him, but Seungsik is secure in what he feels. He doesn’t regret it, sinks into it more and more with each kiss Seungwoo offers him, and for now, this is enough. 

It’s good, and Seungwoo smiles like the sun. It’s more than enough. 

.

The next few days continue in the same vein. Seungwoo would climb into Seungsik’s bed, careful to keep quiet so as to not wake up the other two, and Seungsik would go to sleep with swollen lips and love markings on his chest, his belly, in spots hidden from the others, known only to him and Seungwoo. 

For the most part, Seungwoo doesn’t act very different, doesn’t treat him much differently. He smiles, and maybe holds him closer, hugs him tighter, but he still teases him, takes care of him the way he always had. Saving slices of pizza for him before the others get to devour everything, buying him that one candy he likes before he goes home from the studio, helping him fix up his bed in the mornings after they wake up together (neither Sejun nor Subin had quite woken up early enough to catch them cuddling, but Chan had walked in them one particularly sleepy morning, when they had been leaning against each other in the kitchen while waiting for the water to heat up, Seungwoo slumped against him and Seungsik pressing his lips against his forehead as he snored quietly. Chan had stared at them, eyes wide, looking surprised, but ultimately, nodding in acknowledgment, silent acceptance, saying nothing else as he fixed himself a bowl of cereal, preparing bowls for both of them as well). 

Seungwoo is inching closer to how he was a year ago. He had certainly been happy in the months they’d been apart, had moments of great joy, and Seungsik had watched from afar, smiling with him, chest filling with pride as he watched him soar. Then, he watched in pain, watching everything fall apart, feeling awful, knowing he didn’t do enough to comfort him when he needed it most.

So, he had changed, in small ways, that only they would have seen. There was not any way he would not have changed, and they all know it, and they do everything they can to let him know that it’s okay. That things  _ are  _ different, but he’s still  _ Seungwoo,  _ to them. They’ll find their way, eventually. 

And, it seems like he’s listening, and he knows it, too. One day, he  _ laughs  _ again, that bright, wide laugh, with his whole body, the sound coming from deep within his belly, his whole face glowing with it as he rolled around on the practice room couch, and Seungsik doesn’t even remember what he had been laughing about. Can’t see anything but the way Seungwoo just lights up, and his chest thrums as he takes in his joy. 

Then, not long after, he beams at him, between run-throughs of the dance for their second stage, Seungwoo is smiling at him, eyes scrunched into half-moons, and calls him,  _ “Daeng Daeng,”  _ after what had seemed like a lifetime. 

It’s nothing short of startling, and Seungsik had been rendered speechless, wide-eyed as Seungwoo just grins, and the racing heart in his chest, the way he can  _ feel  _ the way his cheeks heat up, surely turning pink, and he can’t quite deny his happiness. He doesn’t think he could, in any case. 

.

Tonight, in a rare occasion, he’s the first one in the bedroom, Sejun and Subin’s beds noticeably empty as he ruffles his slightly damp hair with his towel to dry it out completely. Aside from Seungwoo, who spends over half his day at the studio usually, Seungsik had been finding that these days, he was always the first to rise, the last to sleep. He’s always busy, in one aspect or another, because of everything he had stepped up to take, and it had taken everyone, most especially himself, a lot of time to adjust, and they’re all  _ still  _ adjusting, really. 

But he does his best not to dwell. Does his best to not freeze up, let the burden of it all weigh down on his shoulders and fall to the pit of his stomach, and just works hard. Adjusts as best as he can, tries to not let it harden him too much. 

So, tonight, with the room empty aside from himself, he makes himself pause, and take in the quiet. He climbs into bed, hanging his towel and turning the lights off before laying back on the pillows, and he sighs, wishing his brain could empty itself a little faster, and he thinks this often, but tonight, most especially. 

It doesn’t feel much later when the door opens, and Seungwoo is coming in, fresh off a shower himself, smiling for him gently. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Seungsik greets in turn, smiling as well, moving over as he usually does to let Seungwoo climb in next to him. 

“Where are they?” he asks, for once not having to keep his voice down as he sees the room is empty aside from them. 

“They stayed behind at the studio to record,” Seungsik answers. “They said they’ll be eating dinner out, too. Sejun wanted to try the new Japanese place near the company.”

“They have time to go and eat out?” Seungwoo says, looking doubtful.

Seungsik shrugs slightly, can’t help the small smile, slightly sad, mostly teasing, that blooms on his face as he says,  _ “You  _ have time to stay out as late as you have?”

Seungwoo looks at him, before he gives a small shrug, cheeks pinking as he gives him a smile in turn. He doesn’t have to explain, because Seungsik understands. And, really, Seungwoo doesn’t owe anyone any explanations. 

He’s living and working hard for himself. Seungsik wants him to rest more, but if this is what helps Seungwoo keep moving forward, he won’t question it. 

He doesn’t wait much longer before he’s draping himself over Seungsik, his face very close then, eyes the slightest bit darker and his lips set in a teasing smirk, before he’s leaning in, molding his lips to Seungsik’s, licking into his mouth easily, breathing into him. 

It’s instant, the way Seungsik goes pliant under his lips, humming into Seungwoo’s mouth and closing his eyes as he curls his arms around Seungwoo’s shoulders, drawing him nearer. For as late as it is, for as tired as Seungwoo must be, he kisses with so much fervor, licking against Seungsik’s tongue and his fingers carding through Seungsik’s hair, his nails tenderly scraping against his scalp and making his chest burn, already overwhelmed with just this. 

“You said next time,” Seungwoo says against his mouth, giving him a small smirk. 

It takes Seungsik a moment to understand, still mostly dazed from the kiss, and he eventually says, quite eloquently, “I did.”

“Then, I think  _ this  _ is a good time, to be the next time you were talking about,” he says, and there is a deep flush on his cheeks, but he leans in to kiss him again, more chaste, but for much longer. 

Seungsik feels his own cheeks burn red, and Seungwoo is warm above him, solid but gentle as he touches him, and it warms him up from the inside, making his chest especially tight. 

He bites back a moan as Seungwoo noses at his jaw, nipping at his neck, and Seungsik would do anything he asked, really. But he decides to tease, just a  _ little,  _ and he says with a smile, “Is it, now?”

Seungwoo, beautiful Seungwoo, takes it a little more seriously, saying earnestly, “Yes, I do. And, don’t worry, I have. Um, stuff.”

Seungsik blinks. “Stuff?”

Seungwoo is bright red, skin pinking on his face, his neck, much of his chest and shoulders and arms, and he brings out a small plastic bag Seungsik didn’t notice him carrying earlier. Seungsik looks inside the bag, having to pry it a little out of Seungwoo’s strangely tight grip, and he instantly understands his expression and hesitation.

“Hyung, oh my  _ god,”  _ he says, slightly mortified to see the  _ stuff,  _ different lubricants (some even in fruity flavors and Seungsik  _ cannot)  _ and boxes,  _ boxes  _ of condoms, amongst others, and he whisper-yells, “You  _ bought this?” _

“I didn’t buy it!” Seungwoo says, defending himself. 

“But you  _ still  _ made someone else buy it for you, then,” Seungsik says, and he realizes a second later. “Oh,  _ god,  _ poor Dohyun.”

“He made so much fun of me,” Seungwoo more or less confirms, and Seungsik could  _ melt  _ into the mattress, for unsexy reasons. 

“Does, does he know, that it’s for us?” he asks, and Seungwoo’s face goes a little tight. Nervous. 

“There’s not anyone else who knows about us, is there?” 

Seungsik stays quiet, not knowing what to tell Seungwoo that Chan  _ definitely  _ knows, and he’s sure that he’s not the only one.

They had never been subtle with their mutual fondness for one another before, but now that something is  _ actually  _ happening between them, it would be impossible to not figure things out with the way they were glued together. 

After a prolonged silence, Seungwoo’s expression becomes small, “Do you not want to?”

“I didn’t say that,” Seungsik says, because  _ yes,  _ of course he wants to.

“We don’t have to, I don’t want to pressure you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with,” Seungwoo tells him. 

“It’s really not that,” he says, reaching up to touch the lines of his forehead, the tips of his fingers tapping gently at the tired lines under his eyes, just  _ exhaustion  _ exhibited openly on Seungwoo’s skin. “You must be so tired.”

“I’m not, really,” he says, giving him a small smile. Seungsik doesn’t quite believe him, but he doesn’t say anything as Seungwoo continues, “It’s just. My brain is a little stuck on this thing I’d been working on, and I can’t seem to get much progress on it.”

Seungsik blinks, feeling close to sleep himself, but he keeps himself awake, if just to be a good ear for him. “Is it a song?”

He nods then, and he starts singing in a hushed tone, the melody that leaving his lips sweet and hopeful, and Seungsik is more awake then, listening to him as he breathes out the words. 

And he can picture it then. Late,  _ late  _ nights in the studio, Seungwoo sitting on the spinning chair that really isn’t good for their backs after long periods of time, either hunched over his laptop and recording equipment as he mixes the track, already so  _ vivid  _ in Seungsik’s mind from Seungwoo’s voice alone, or leaning back heavily on the chair as he types out lyrics on his phone, deleting and editing until he’s satisfied. 

He can see it. The smile on his face, and things being hard, but Seungwoo wasn’t the type to dwell. He’s pushing himself forward, writing his own answers to the many questions he’d had over so many months, and this song was one of them. 

Seungsik could burst with pride. 

“It’s so good,” he says after a pause, when Seungwoo goes quiet, thinking over the words and wondering how to improve them. 

“Not quite there yet,” he says, sighing a little. “Long way to go.”

“There’s time,” Seungsik tells him, reaching up to trail his finger down his nose, and Seungwoo hums, taking his hand and guiding his palm to rest against his cheek, but not before kissing it. Seungsik feels his cheeks warm, and stays quiet as Seungwoo breathes slowly. 

It’s quiet, and Seungsik stays still, breathing with him, and the melody floats in his own mind. Then, he begins to make sense of it, hearing other notes and his heart races slightly in his chest, before he asks, “Can you, um. Sing that again?”

Seungwoo looks at him, blinking. But he complies easily, singing the little bit of the song he has done, and when Seungsik has a bit more of a handle on the tune, he joins in, making Seungwoo’s eyes widen on him, and as he trails off again, Seungsik keeps singing. 

_ “For now, bye, bye, bye,”  _ he sings, feeling nervous, wondering if he’s doing anything right, if Seungwoo would be okay with any of it, and he can’t quite look him in the eye as he sings, looking slightly down, wondering if the view of Seungwoo’s cleavage as his shirt hangs loosely down is any better. 

He stops singing, and doesn’t look up still, taking the silence as his queue to stop. He feels a little foolish, saying, “Sorry, just. Forget about that-“

“Do it with me,” Seungwoo asks him, lifting his chin up. His gaze is shining, and his expression is glowing, earnest. “Let’s write it together.”

Seungsik blinks, and he stammers out, “You, um. You know I don’t really write as much as you do, and. That’s  _ your  _ song-“

“Not just mine,” Seungwoo says, looking at him, his face so  _ soft.  _ “Want to do it with you. It’s for us. It will be good.”

And Seungsik looks at him then. He can't describe the look on his face, but. He knows it’s just  _ for him,  _ knows that Seungwoo only looks this way only ever for him, and it melts him. 

He breathes, says, “Okay.”

And the smile Seungwoo gives him is  _ blinding,  _ completely beautiful and completely  _ himself,  _ and when Seungwoo leans down to kiss him, he melts into it, sinking into the softness offered to him, parting his lips to let him in, doing the most he can to not tremble as Seungwoo’s hands skate under his shirt, lifting it up slightly to touch his stomach. There’s not much for it, when Seungwoo takes his hand and brings it under the hem of his own shirt, to press against the hard-earned muscles of his own stomach. 

He bites down hard on his bottom lip to keep his moans in as Seungwoo blankets himself over him, his body lean and grounding above him as he trails his lips down Seungsik’s throat, moving the collar as much as he can to leave another mark along his collarbone, and Seungsik gasps as his teeth graze his skin, feeling his whole body shiver. 

“Sikie,  _ Sikie,”  _ Seungwoo breathes against his skin, leaning in again to kiss him, and Seungsik sighs against his lips, closing his eyes as Seungwoo leans in to press small kisses against his lids. Seungwoo is moving then, laying down on his side, guiding him along to face him, and the look in his eyes is dark, telling of his want. 

Seungsik feels himself shiver, eyes fluttering closed as he’s reeled in to curl against Seungwoo’s chest, Seungwoo latching his lips onto his once again. 

“May I touch you, Seungsik?” Seungwoo asks him, and his ears burn red. Seungsik swallows, feeling his heart race, his chest filling with warmth, nervous, anticipating. 

“Yes,” he says. “You, you can do anything. I trust you.”

Seungwoo releases an exhale, shaky, and Seungsik kisses him, understanding, and feeling the same. 

When Seungwoo reaches down, gently touching the skin above Seungsik’s waistband, before carefully slipping his fingers under, Seungsik feels like he’s about to fly out of his skin, shaking as he nears his destination.

But, somehow, when his impossibly long, slender fingers wrap around his length, Seungsik is exhaling,  _ relieved,  _ somehow calmed, very much overwhelmed, but feeling like with all the years between them, so much affection and trust and depending on each other these many years, this was something that falls into place, easily. 

Like this was just a natural progression of where they would go, and do together. 

“Ah,  _ ah,”  _ he moans, gasping and burrowing his face into Seungwoo’s chest as his fingers curl around his cock, not quite stroking yet, but the touch is already  _ too much,  _ his thumb swiping slowly at the slit.  _ “Hyung.  _ Ah, can, can I hold you, too?”

_ “Please,”  _ Seungwoo says, breathing sharply as he watches Seungsik, as if just the sight of him is getting to be  _ too much  _ for him, and Seungsik doesn’t make him wait. 

He knows his touch isn’t quite as graceful, but when he brings his hand down to slide under his sleep pants, taking his cock in his hand, hot and already rather hard as his grasp, Seungwoo is gasping, moaning and hiding the noises he makes in Seungsik’s hair, his own grip around Seungsik’s cock becoming all that much tighter, stroking a little rougher. 

Seungwoo feels unreal in his hand, and Seungsik is only guided by instinct and Seungwoo’s breathy moans as he tightens the curl of his fingers around his length, feeling him harden and fill his hand, hot and heavy. Seungsik feels his face, down to his neck, chest,  _ burn,  _ making his own cock rock into Seungwoo’s fist despite the dryness of the touch, and he didn’t ever think they would ever be touching each other like this. Living in the same quarters for as long as they have, becoming so familiar with each other until they’d become something of a singular unit, it had meant that over the years, seeing each other naked became less and less of a hindrance or shock. 

But. Seungsik feels his heart rabbit out of his chest, despite being so familiar with Seungwoo’s body after all the time they’ve been together, as it all feels so  _ new.  _ He’s trembling as Seungwoo brings him out of his pants, gently guiding him to do the same to him. He’s big, long and thick in his hand, and every time he’d accidentally seen him walk out of the shower without a towel around his waist or whenever he would change out of practice clothes, all of it did Seungwoo so much  _ injustice.  _ He is achingly beautiful, and his cock gets harder still with every stroke Seungsik manages, and he doesn’t think he manages very many, because Seungwoo’s fingers are impossibly  _ perfect  _ around his own cock, making him lose his focus and move his own hips, chasing after his touch, his belly getting warm and his cock getting harder still. 

It’s then that Seungwoo is reaching for the bag, and chooses the plainest lube he can find. Seungsik breathes slowly, watches as Seungwoo pours the lube over both of their lengths, the substance a little colder than he expects, but he stays still, looking on as Seungwoo pours some onto his palm, maybe a little too much, but it doesn't matter. 

When Seungwoo comes impossibly close, reaching down to wrap his considerably much longer fingers around both of their lengths together, and, when Seungsik feels their cocks slide together for the first time, he feels his soul  _ burst,  _ a moan naturally slipping out of his mouth as he’s instantly overwhelmed with the way they slide together. 

“Oh,  _ fuck,”  _ Seungwoo moans, the word making Seungsik’s chest tighten and his cock get even harder in Seungwoo’s grasp.  _ “Fuck,  _ Sikie-“

“Hyung,” he breathes, overwhelmed in all of the best ways, inhaling sharply as Seungwoo curls his fingers around them tighter. Their lengths slide together, their skin similarly hot and Seungsik feels himself get harder with every pull of Seungwoo’s hand on them, his thumb sometimes catching at the heads, swiping over where it feels most sensitive. 

He can’t quite help it when his hips move, rolling forward to move against Seungwoo’s, but Seungwoo doesn’t seem to mind. Even leans down to latch his lips onto his, licking into his mouth as he switches hands, then reaches over with his now free hand to slip under Seungsik’s pants, and fully palming the bare skin of his ass. 

“Oh, god,” Seungsik whimpers, chest getting tighter and cock getting harder as Seungwoo thrusts his hips forward as well, and with the way they both can’t seem to stop, moaning and rubbing against each other and touching  _ everywhere,  _ Seungsik knows they won’t last long. 

“Feels so good, fuck,” Seungwoo’s voice is soft, high and trembling as he grinds his cock against Seungsik’s, faster and losing his rhythm, searching for release.

“Seungwoo,  _ hyung,”  _ Seungsik whines, and Seungwoo kisses him  _ hard,  _ Seungsik’s lips already mostly swollen and his belly too hot, and he reaches down to wrap his own fingers around them. 

It feels surreal in his hands, the way Seungwoo is sliding against him, touching them both this way. It all seems to be too  _ perfect,  _ something that isn’t really for him to experience, but here he is. Being kissed deeply, touched intimately, his whole body hot with it as he and Seungwoo fall a bit more into each other, fitting together so  _ well,  _ like they were made to do this with each other. 

Seungwoo moans into his mouth, and Seungsik swallows it down, and it makes his belly  _ hot,  _ a thread threatening to snap. Seungwoo squeezes his ass in his hand, their lengths grind together, the slide  _ delicious,  _ and Seungsik can’t hold it.

_ “Hyung, fuck,”  _ he gasps as he comes, thread snapping as he spills over Seungwoo’s fingers, over their lengths, and, embarrassingly, over a bit of their shirts. He shivers as he struggles to calm himself, chest tight and head too full with  _ Seungwoo, Seungwoo, Seungwoo,  _ his dark eyes on him making his cheeks pink with all the attention, his lips parting slightly as he takes in the view. 

Then, Seungwoo groans, not very quietly, and he thrusts against him, stroking them together still, hands moving in a blur as he tries to keep his moans under his breath, and Seungsik whines against his chest, moving his hips along with him despite all the sensitivity that makes him tremble. And when Seungwoo comes, eyes fluttering close as his mouth drops down a little to exhale his moan, high-pitched and so  _ pretty  _ in Seungsik’s ears, hips snapping forward as he moves his hand quickly to catch the mess, gushing over his fingers, Seungsik is unable to look away from him. Can’t tear his eyes away as Seungwoo trembles, gasping as shocks go through his body and make him tremble minutely, and he’s truly so  _ beautiful,  _ alluring and endearing and Seungsik tries to tamp down the thought of wanting to wrap him up in the warmest blankets he has, protect him from everything that would ever have the potential to hurt him. 

He knows he can’t do that. And he knows that he shouldn’t, because some battles aren’t his to fight. 

“Why’d we wait that long to do  _ that?”  _ Seungwoo says after a quiet pause, and Seungsik feels his face go red. “You’re really so beautiful. Please know that.”

Seungsik’s face burns even more. “N-No, not as much as you-“

“Hey, don’t,” Seungwoo says, pouting slightly as he reels him in, even when they're still a mess and should really clean up. But, Seungsik is pulled in easily, sighing as Seungwoo shares his warmth with him, and there are several kisses pressed against his face, Seungwoo’s lips eventually finding his own. 

It’s quiet, and Seungwoo holds him close, the praises flowing too easily from his lips, and Seungsik struggles to take them in, not knowing if he deserves the words, as wonderful as they are. 

.

It seems like the album comes together lightning quick, but also, like it’s all moving at a snail’s pace, time moving in weird juxtapositions he can’t quite reconcile. But, there’s never time to dwell, in any case. There’s too much work to do, too much to attend to, and it feels like it’s all especially heavy on his shoulders. 

He keeps his word, and spends a day with Seungwoo in the studio, figuring out the melody together, finishing each other’s phrases, the work much easier and quicker than Seungsik had expected it to be, but the song just  _ flows  _ out of them, like Seungwoo had been finding the right words and tones to complete his message, and it just happened to be in Seungsik, and from it, ‘Petal’ had emerged. 

They let the others listen to it, as they’ve done with other songs, expecting it to be one of those songs that they write and let each other listen to, then leave in the drive to maybe be revisited in the future, or otherwise spoiled on lives with fans because it’s not as if it’s ever going to be released. But what happens is that Hanse looks at them, saying, “You  _ are  _ going to send that to the producers to get them to include it, right?”

They both look on blankly. “What?”

They are given  _ a look  _ in turn, and it takes a beat of silence before they understand a little more. Seungsik swallows, glancing at Seungwoo before he says, “Um. I don’t know, it’s mostly up to Seungwoo.”

“But it’s your song, too,” Seungwoo counters, frowning at him. 

Seungsik is about to reply, but instead, Hanse speaks again, saying in a tone too nonchalant, “Then it’s both of yours. But you might as well be a singular unit now, anyway.”

They both blink, and Seungsik glances at Seungwoo, seeing that he’s still not catching on. He hopes he does soon, because he’d prefer it if he weren’t the only one blushing, especially when Subin tacks on casually, “You share a bed every night, maybe you should just move into one room, now.”

“Hmm, be the actual marrieds you are,” Sejun says, but he can’t say much more because Seungsik is standing then, reaching over and pulling Sejun’s bucket hat down to cover his face, feeling like he’s about to burst into flames, and it’s a more or less effective way to end the conversation. 

But, they end up taking the advice, and forward it to the company, not expecting much. But they’re pleasantly surprised when it’s approved for inclusion in the album. 

So. It’s another thing to do, another day to make way and prepare for, and recording it isn’t quite as quick as they would want it to be, but everyone does well and everyone does their best, like they always do. 

And this time, with this album, with  _ all  _ of them again, it’s a different pressure. It feels the same but still so different, and he can’t quite deny that the stakes are higher, for all of them. The burden of it adds to the weight in his heart, and it’s beginning to get a little troublesome to breathe with it. 

But still. He does his best, he watches it all as they try to settle into their new normal, and tries to stay careful, still, especially since Seungwoo asks for kisses more often now that everyone else knows, having taken their apparent awareness on their nightly cuddling and kissing much better than Seungsik would have expected. As much as Seungsik wants to give in and kiss him all the time, he does his best to still have a sliver of professionalism, knows he should keep the line definite, at least when they’re at work. 

He knows that a lot depends on how he handles everything, so he watches himself, most strictly of all. 

It’s a little lonely. 

.

“Sejun’s dyeing his hair today,” Seungwoo tells him when he gets to Seungsik’s room and locking the door behind him, the hour too late for it, but his grin is bright, his expression too awake for the hour. 

“Okay?” Seungsik says, wondering why he’s locked the door when neither Subin or Sejun are back yet. 

“Hmm, hmm,” Seungwoo hums, smiling as he clambers over onto the bed, draping himself over Seungsik like a blanket and setting his chin on his chest. He beams up at him, and he says, “I suggested this  _ jaunty  _ shade of blue, it’ll be  _ hilarious.  _ You’ll love it.”

“Blue?” Seungsik says, eyes going wide. “But, that’ll take  _ forever.” _

”I know, I’m counting on it,” Seungwoo says, beaming. “I also kicked Subin out for the night.”

Seungsik stares at him. “Sub? You kicked Subin out?  _ You?  _ Subin? What for?”

Seungwoo’s smirk becomes very soft, then. His eyes are dark, but his gaze stays gentle as he moves up then, leaning up to kiss him. His lips are soft, coaxing Seungsik’s mouth to part for his tongue, and when he licks into his mouth, Seungsik is moaning, tilting his head back as Seungwoo guides him, letting his tongue plunge in deeper into his mouth, and it’s instantly apparent, what Seungwoo has planned in store. “Ah.  _ Ah.” _

“Wanted to be alone with you tonight,” Seungwoo says against his lips, his fingers trailing down the line of his throat, and Seungsik struggles not to shiver under his touch. When his eyes meet Seungwoo’s, he sees the  _ want,  _ pure and raw in his gaze, and Seungsik feels his own chest to stir, his body beginning to feel warm, responding to Seungwoo’s want with his own. 

“This would be so much easier if we just used your room, instead,” Seungsik tells him, and he’s pliant as Seungwoo straddles him, taking his face in his hands to kiss him again. 

“Well, yes. But you’re  _ here,”  _ Seungwoo pauses briefly to say, before diving back in. 

“What?” Seungsik blinks, not understanding, but then Seungwoo is rolling his ass back against his crotch, and Seungsik can’t think of much, then. Chases back after Seungwoo’s lips as he pulls away, and Seungwoo smiles down at him. Cups his face, and kisses him again, hotter still, and not much longer after Seungsik slips his hands under his shirt to touch him, Seungwoo is leaning back, and pulling the shirt off his body, revealing pale skin stretched over hard muscle earned over years of hard work, making Seungsik pause. 

“That’s,” he starts, and he clears his throat as his blush comes on  _ strong,  _ making his whole face flushed. Years and years living with Seungwoo and seeing him without a shirt often means that Seungsik shouldn’t be too flustered when he sees him this way, but to have him in this proximity, for  _ this  _ reason, it makes his heart race and his belly hot. 

Seungwoo gives him a warm smile, understanding what he can’t say. He kisses him, lips lingering and moving languidly against his as he lowers himself on top of him, his weight grounding and welcome. 

Seungsik hums against his lips, reaching up to skate the pads of his fingers across Seungwoo’s bare skin. The dense muscle of his shoulders, his chest, are hard, smooth under his fingers, and he makes soft noises as Seungwoo works on unbuttoning his pajama top, his palms hot on Seungsik’s skin and making him gasp as he maps out his torso with his hands. 

His touch is gentle, light and respectful and Seungsik shivers under him, shaking as Seungwoo begins to trail his lips down his jaw, his neck, his chest, his hands fanning out over his stomach. Seungsik is melting under him, sighing and moaning as Seungwoo says, “We don’t need to do anything, if you’re nervous.”

“I’m not,” he replies, swallowing heavily as Seungwoo cups his face, kissing him sweetly. 

“We can just do this,” he tells him, his smile gentle, “Just this would be okay, for me.” And Seungsik appreciates his consideration, but as nervous as he is, Seungwoo is so  _ pretty,  _ his touch so hot and he’d come in here with his intentions clear, the front of his sleep pants betraying his desire, and Seungsik had been waiting for  _ years.  _ He won’t be denying either of them now. 

“No, I want to do it,” he says, feeling his face burn as he tries to be bolder than he really is, bringing his hands down to where Seungwoo’s pants are tented, and he molds his hand around the visible shape of his length, stroking slowly, making Seungwoo moan above him. “I want you.”

Seungwoo looks at him, and Seungsik feels like he’s burning him from the inside with how dark,  _ steaming  _ his gaze is. “Do you mean that, Sikie?”

Seungsik swallows thickly, and he kisses him, sucking on his tongue, and says against his lips, “Yeah. Go ahead, hyung.”

And Seungwoo barely gives himself moment to breathe before he’s being held by his hips, then dragged down to lay flat on his back, and Seungsik yelps as Seungwoo slithers down, pressing his lips against his skin, down his chest, his stomach, and Seungsik watches, his face burning as Seungwoo pulls down his pajama bottoms, his cock springing free, mostly hard and leaking small dribbles of white at the slit. 

“Hyung?” he says, voice smaller than he’d intended, but he’s gasping seconds later when Seungwoo is bringing his head down, his lips wrapping around the head of Seungsik’s cock, his tongue darting out to tease the head.  _ “Hyung, fuck-“ _

Seungwoo brings his head down more, taking more of Seungsik into his mouth, tongue licking all over, and Seungsik struggles to keep his cries in, fighting to keep his hips from pushing into Seungwoo’s mouth. Seungwoo hums around him, sucking him down and getting him harder, and Seungsik makes the mistake of looking down, and he moans loudly when he sees Seungwoo suck him off, pink lips stretched around his cock, hair falling over his face. Seungwoo looks up, then, and Seungsik can just  _ see  _ the smirk in his gaze as he takes even  _ more  _ of him into his mouth, and Seungsik  _ has  _ to shut his eyes, moaning even louder even though he knows he needs to keep it down. 

His mouth feels  _ sinful  _ around Seungsik, wet and hot and his tongue licking up every vein and inch of him, and Seungsik trembles, arching back off the bed as Seungwoo takes care of him, giving him everything he has and more. 

Seungwoo is reaching up, then, his long fingers searching Seungsik’s face, and prying at his lips. He  _ swallows  _ around Seungsik’s length, just as he gets his fingers into his mouth, making all the noises Seungsik makes just slightly muffled. 

“Get them wet,” Seungwoo gets off him for a moment to tell him, and he doesn’t look away until Seungsik takes his hand, his body shivering slightly, but he does as he’s told, bringing Seungwoo’s fingers in deeper into his mouth. He watches as Seungwoo gives him a moan, looking on as Seungsik takes his long digits in, licking all over and gasping around them as his cock is enveloped once again by the wet heat of his mouth and tongue. 

He gets Seungwoo’s fingers slick, his skin hot with knowing where they’ll be going, and it doesn’t take very long before Seungwoo pops off his length, a line of saliva trailing from his lip to the head before it snaps, and he’s climbing back up kiss him, their lips meeting in a steaming flurry, Seungsik grabbing onto his hair and Seungwoo biting at his earlobes, just so  _ much  _ brewing over and making them overwhelmed, full of each other. 

They’ve barely even started. Seungsik trembles with the thought, nervous and anticipating what’s to come. 

“I’ll get you ready, okay?” Seungwoo tells him, waiting for Seungsik’s nod to go on before he goes back down, taking his cock back into his mouth slowly, Seungsik breathing in deeply as he’s surrounded by that warmth again. Then, there’s a finger tracing his rim, making him gasp at the touch as it circles his entrance slowly, and his volume just gets louder and higher as Seungwoo eases his finger into him, inching in slow measures and Seungsik feels  _ every bit of it.  _

_ “Hyung,”  _ he whines, his back arching cleanly off the bed and his head thrown back against the pillow as his cock is sucked and his ass breached gently. This is barely  _ anything,  _ and he’s already like this: almost falling apart at the seams and ready to blow. “Hyung,  _ oh god-“ _

“So beautiful,” Seungwoo says under his breath, not even really blowing him anymore. His mouth hovers near him, but he’s looking down at where his finger is plunged deep into him, stretching him carefully, slowly, making him tremble on a single digit. He pulls out, only to pour proper lubricant over his fingers, rubbing and warming it and pushing in again with two, getting his mouth on him again. 

Seungsik cries out, unable to keep most of his whimpers in as Seungwoo fingers him, stretching him open and getting his cock wet and making a mess of him. It feels like a fever dream, being so close and  _ intimate  _ with him in a way neither of them had done with each other and done with fewer others, and it feels  _ colossal,  _ feels much bigger than it is. Seungsik would never had thought that Seungwoo would be doing this for him, would ever be willing to have his mouth on him this way, thrusting his fingers into where he’s hottest and making him  _ melt,  _ helpless against the sheets as he’s split open with three fingers, making him feel  _ everything,  _ and needing  _ more, more, more.  _

_ “Hyung,”  _ he whines, gasping as Seungwoo swallows down around him, his fingers bent just  _ so,  _ making him feel lit up from the inside. “Hyung,  _ please.” _

“‘Please,’ what, Sikie?” his voice is cloying, the smirk in it audible as he presses his lips gently against the head of his cock. 

Seungsik groans, his body too hot for patience. He reels Seungwoo back up, attacking his mouth voraciously with his own, kissing him, licking in and biting at his lips and falling apart. “Fuck me, fuck me.”

Seungwoo trembles, groans. He grinds down, and Seungsik feels his cock, hard and raring, trapped in his soft sleep pants, and Seungsik shivers, too ready for him. 

He’s stripped off properly of his shirt and pants, and Seungwoo gets naked in no time at all. Their bare bodies come together, holding each other and curling around one another for the first time, and Seungsik gasps into still, hot air, treasuring the miracle. 

Seungwoo helps him roll over to his front, body flat on the bed aside from the pillow shoved under his hips, angling his ass up slightly for Seungwoo to thrust into him more comfortably, and  _ Jesus.  _ Seungwoo’s about to be  _ inside him,  _ about to fuck him, fill him up. They’re about to have sex. 

_ Fuck.  _

Seungwoo rolls on a condom rather quietly, not much noise aside from the soft moans that escape his lips as he strokes himself anew to spread lube over his length, and Seungsik feels like he’s about to fly out of his skin, waiting for him to do something. Then, there are hands, large palms curved around the roundest part of his ass, fingers fanned out against his skin. A hand moving up to glide from the small of his back, up his spine, then over his shoulder blades, until Seungsik feels a weight gently settling over his back. Seungwoo’s voice is low, his nose tickling Seungsik’s ear as he asks him, “You ready?”

Fuck, if he isn’t. “Yeah, I am,” he says instead, trying not to sound too desperate for it. Seungwoo is tilting his face from where he’d been hiding in his arms, leaning in to kiss him wetly, pushing his tongue into his mouth and making Seungsik whimper. 

Then, he feels it. The fat head of Seungwoo’s cock is tracing his rim, slow, teasing, tempting him to push back against him and make him sink into his hole himself, but Seungwoo doesn’t make him wait for too long, blessedly. 

The tip stretches him open, instantly feeling like  _ too much  _ and  _ not enough.  _ Seungsik would whimper, moan for more, but then, suddenly, it seems like Seungwoo is done teasing, done stretching this out to the point the wait is unbearable. 

He sinks his cock in, slow, but in one long, graceful thrust, he’s fully sheathed inside, and Seungsik is already falling apart. His eyes roll back into his head, lids falling shut as he melts into it, back arching as he takes Seungwoo in; Seungwoo is  _ thick,  _ big and  _ perfect  _ inside him, filling him up so  _ perfectly,  _ leaving him no space to breathe. 

“Fuck,  _ fuck,”  _ he moans, squeezing his ass around Seungwoo’s cock, unable to help himself. Seungwoo moans above him, fucking into him in small thrusts in response, making Seungsik moan even more. “Hyung, you feel so  _ good,  _ fuck. You’re so big, I  _ can’t.” _

“You feel perfect around me,” Seungwoo praises him, voice a little less controlled as he does his best to stay still as Seungsik adjusts around him, but Seungsik  _ feels it.  _ The way he’s vibrating, wanting to drill into his ass, fuck him until he’s breathless, and make a home inside him, shared just between the two of them. 

And who is he to stop him?

_ “Hyung,”  _ Seungsik moans, making his voice lilt especially airily, sighing as he clenches his ass around Seungwo’s cock. “Oh,  _ hyung,  _ go on, fuck me. Make me come,  _ fuck.” _

He can hear the way Seungwoo  _ growls  _ behind him, and his hands are gripping his waist  _ tightly,  _ and then Seungsik is being  _ fucked,  _ properly, gasps and cries fucked out of him as Seungwoo thrusts into him, his pace building up and he’s  _ driving  _ into his ass, pumping his cock into his body and leaving no room for anything else. 

“Fuck,  _ Sikie,  _ you’re so tight,” Seungwoo breathes, drilling into him, splitting his body in two where his cock plows into his hole. “Ass so  _ sweet, fuck.” _

_ “Seungwoo, hyung,”  _ Seungsik moans, his body trembling at the praise. He buries his face in his arms, clawing at the sheets as Seungwoo buries his cock into his ass, toes curling as he humps against the pillow, his own cock surely smearing it filthy as he’s pounded into so thoroughly. 

They’re  _ perfect,  _ together. Even in the way they fuck, in the way Seungwoo fills him up, in the way he  _ takes  _ him in, they are so, so,  _ so good,  _ and with the way Seungwoo  _ moans,  _ grinding his cock into him deeper, Seungsik knows he knows it too. 

Seungwoo fucks him in even,  _ perfect  _ thrusts, making Seungsik stretch out his legs further apart though his thighs and hips  _ ache  _ with the exertion, but when Seungwoo bottoms out, slamming his cock into him and making him feel it in his  _ spine,  _ it’s more than worth it. Seungsik moans, doing his utmost to not make it too obscene or loud, and he reaches back, grabbing at Seungwoo’s ass and making him stay rooted in him, squeezing and clenching around his cock. 

“Fuck,  _ fuck,  _ Seungsikie,” Seungwoo breathes, tapping the bottom curve of his ass lightly and making him jerk, pump back against his cock. “Fuck, you’re  _ gorgeous.”  _

Seungsik can barely breathe. His arms shake as he makes himself get up on all fours, and Seungwoo  _ moans  _ as Seungsik pushes his hips back, lodging him inside him deeper, his ass firmly pressed against Seungwoo’s hips. 

“Harder, give it to me harder,” he moans, his hands and knees shaking and trembling as they hold him up, waiting for Seungwoo to plow into him, give him everything he has, make him  _ never  _ forget tonight. 

_ (As if he ever would).  _

And Seungwoo had never been one to back down. 

There are hands gripping Seungsik’s waist then, and he’s barely given time to breathe when he’s being pulled back into Seungwoo, his hips meeting his ass in a smack too obscene for their small quarters. Seungsik  _ moans,  _ hanging his head low as he’s constantly pulled back to meet Seungwoo’s cock as he pistons forward, cramming him full. 

It’s overwhelming,  _ hot  _ and unapologetically indecent as Seungwoo fucks him, going in  _ deep,  _ bottoming out, with thrusts that go right up to the base and make the plumpest part of Seungsik’s ass press right up against the Seungwoo’s thin hips, bodies meeting flush. 

And Seungwoo doesn’t hold back on his pace, pounding into Seungsik and just  _ ramming,  _ hips moving like sin and moans pouring out of his mouth as he fucks him from behind, and Seungsik can barely hold himself up. 

_ “Hyung, fuck, more,”  _ Seungsik moans, pleads with him prettily and crying out as Seungwoo hammers into him, his cock plowing into him and making the bed rock along with them, mattress squeaking slightly beneath Seungsik’s knees. Seungwoo  _ rams  _ in, their bodies meeting in a loud slap, and Seungsik gasps as Seungwoo groans, and he holds his palms up against the wall, next to him, in front of him, trying to gain a semblance of stability as Seungwoo buries himself in him. 

“God, you feel  _ so good,”  _ Seungwoo murmurs, leaning down to press his lips against Seungsik’s ear, licking down the line of his neck, his chest molding onto Seungsik’s back, their skin tacky and sweaty as they’re pressed together, but Seungsik moans, wanting to be even more entangled with him. “You okay? I’m not being too rough, am I?”

Seungsik shakes his head, momentarily breathless as Seungwoo grinds into him, his palms hot on his skin. “No, not at all. You, you feel  _ so good.  _ You’re being too good to me, hyung.”

Seungwoo hums, and his lips are soft on Seungsik’s shoulder, his words even softer, “I think  _ you’re  _ the one who’s too good to me. Don’t know how you do it all, supporting all of us, being so patient, and  _ here.  _ Taking me so  _ well.” _

“Ah,  _ please,”  _ Seungsik moans, dropping his head as Seungwoo resumes his pace, sinking into him over and over, giving him so much more than he thought he would get. 

Seungwoo is so  _ thick,  _ filling him up with no room for anything else, and it’s all a  _ dream.  _ Seungsik had never once entertained the thought that this, any of it, would ever be a possibility. He would never allow himself to think that he would ever be in a position like  _ this:  _ he and Seungwoo together, holding each other close, filling each other’s spaces as if they were made to fit together. 

Seungsik isn’t naive enough to believe that. He knows,  _ knows,  _ that Seungwoo deserves more than him.

But, with the way Seungwoo’s hands are achingly gentle on his skin, guiding him to turn over and lay on his back, and with the way his mouth just molds itself against Seungsik’s in a silky, steaming kiss, and even in the way he brings his hands under Seungsik’s knees, pushing his legs back to his chest to bends him in half as he plunges back inside him, making him  _ moan,  _ it all becomes a little hard to forget. 

“Oh,  _ Seungwoo,”  _ Seungsik murmurs, moaning as Seungwoo buries himself in him, and he manages to slap his hands over his mouth before he just short of  _ screams _ when Seungwoo drives in harder moments later. He moans, throwing his head back on the bed as Seungwoo goes on, rocking into him, making him feel  _ everything,  _ and it’s too late, their dorm too small for him to be making noises like this, obscene and whiny and evident of all the pleasure he’s being given so generously. 

He trembles, his hands shaking as they cover his mouth as Seungwoo fucks into him, harder still, his hips moving like sin, and Seungsik can  _ barely  _ muffle his noises, gasps and moans and whimpers against his palms as he’s pounded into. His thighs ache with the strain of being pushed back, but it all feels so  _ good,  _ feels like if it ever ends, it will be much too soon. 

Seungwoo’s gaze never leaves his, and though his eyes are dark, the expression on his face is soft, patient as he pushes into him, and he slows his hips to a stop, pressing his lips over Seungsik’s knuckles, making him melt. 

“Hey,” he says quietly, “You don’t need to do that. You don’t need to quiet yourself.”

Seungsik’s chest expands like there’s a balloon within him, ready to burst, full of too much he can’t contain. “I’m too loud. I, I don’t want to disturb anyone.”

Seungwoo hums, before he’s bringing Seungsik’s legs down, guiding them to curl around his waist instead, and he brings up his hand to his face, gently tapping at Seungsik’s fingers, slipping between them, patiently, carefully prying them away from his face. He kisses him as soon as he sees his lips, and Seungsik squeaks into his mouth, but kisses him in return, trying not to think too much of it. Just letting himself what’s being offered to him, letting himself believe, in just in this way, that he and Seungwoo  _ do  _ fit. 

“Your voice is  _ so pretty.  _ Don’t be so quiet with me,” Seungwoo tells him, his eyes are soft, his smile even more so. “You can let go a bit, with me.”

His face is so full of trust, no judgement whatsoever, and Seungsik breathes slowly, taking him in. He nods, a little shyer than he means to be, but Seungwoo kisses the corner of his mouth in understanding, humming quietly before he begins moving his hips again, rolling his hips and sinking into him. 

Seungsik lets out a small gasp as Seungwoo’s cock presses into him  _ just so,  _ and he hides face in Seungwo’s neck, curling his arms around his shoulders as he moans, taking him in. He clings on to him, pulling Seungwoo close to him as he’s carefully thrusted into, and as he moans and is moaned along with, it settles into his skin, Seungwoo’s gentle noises and praises sinking into his body. 

It feels so new, yet. Something feels like this is  _ them,  _ like home. 

Seungwoo fucks him, slow and hard and careful, and he gently pulls his face back, reaching up to cup Seungsik’s face in his hands. Seungsik feels warm all over, chest tight with the expression so full of boundless affection on Seungwoo’s face, and the kiss left on his mouth feels feather-light. 

It’s all soft,  _ so soft,  _ and then, it becomes  _ even more.  _ Seungsik moans as Seungwoo picks up his pace, grunts leaving his lips as he pistons into Seungsik, kissing him and licking into his mouth as he fucks him full. Seungsik gasps and whimpers into his mouth, holding on to him tightly as he takes it all as best as he can, feeling his own belly get warm as his ass is filled. 

“Sikie, tighter -  _ that’s it,”  _ Seungwoo moans as Seungsik clenches his ass around his cock, and Seungsik watches as he brings his head back, neck stretched out and veins prominent, his eyes fluttering almost closed as he grinds into him. He looks  _ beautiful,  _ delicious and unreal above him, and Seungsik can just  _ feel  _ the way he twitches inside him, aching to burst. “Fuck. Your ass,  _ fuck-“ _

_ “Seungwoo,”  _ Seungsik moans, thighs trembling around Seungwoo’s waist as he plows into him, filling him up and fitting perfectly in him. They’re locked together, moving together, finding comfort and home within each other, and Seungsik thinks of what Hanse had said not too long ago. About them becoming a singular unit. 

And to some degree, it feels true. Right now, it feels as if they’re at that point wherein their pieces, hewn and chipped at by the last several months, but still certainly whole, very much separate, had come together finally. And, especially in this way, they  _ fit  _ together, filling each other where the other dips and rises.

They had fit, before, in so many other ways. Musically, professionally, as the pillars of the group for so many years, and as friends. 

Seungsik did not know, did not think they could, this way. 

Seungwoo is reaching down then, his hand curling around Seungsik’s cock, up until that point mostly ignored. At the first touch, Seungsik feels himself still, mouth dropping in a loud moan as Seungwoo’s long fingers wrap around his girth. 

“Oh,  _ oh hyung, fuck,”  _ he whines, hips pumping and back arching into Seungwoo’s body as his belly heats, swirls. “Oh,  _ god,  _ I, I can’t. I’m close.”

“Oh,  _ fuck,  _ I’m close too,” Seungwoo says, his hips snapping even faster, even harder. “Sik,  _ god,  _ you feel so good.”

“Seungwoo,” he breathes, pulling him in closer, his body jolted up his bed as Seungwoo plows into his ass. “Harder.”

“Yes,  _ yes,”  _ Seungwoo says, kissing him fiercely, stroking on his cock faster, and doing as asked of him, fucking into Seungsik with harder, rougher thrusts, with a bit less finesse and less of a measured pace, but just as good, just as careful as he sinks into him. 

It doesn’t take very long. He didn’t stand much of a chance, not with Seungwoo touching and filling him so intimately, his eyes dark and gaze piercing as he looks down at him, edging him even further with his stare alone. 

Seungsik gasps as Seungwoo  _ grinds  _ in, shoving his cock in deeper, and the heat snaps in his belly. He moans, really  _ moans,  _ throwing his head back onto the bed and reaching up to grab at Seungwoo’s hair, soft, darkly-dyed locks between his fingers, and he pulls his face down to kiss him, feeding his moans into his mouth as he comes and spills all over Seungwoo’s fingers, over their stomachs, making a mess. 

His entire body feels like it’s floating, glowing and sparked from within, like  _ nothing  _ he had ever felt before. He breathes Seungwoo in, comes down, and exhales, sinking into it all and finding home. 

_ “Jesus,  _ Sikie, I -  _ fuck,”  _ Seungwoo growls as Seungsik clenches around him, and he hammers into his ass, fucking faster and without control, until he snaps in  _ hard,  _ rooting himself in as he comes into the condom, mouth dropping open in a silent moan, eyes shut as his orgasm rolls over him, making his whole body tense, then fall. 

Seungsik moans with him, feeling it inside him, and pulling Seungwoo in to curl up on top of him as he comes down from the high. 

Seungwoo goes easily, tucking his face into Seungsik’s neck and hiding there contently, the rest of his gangly, well-defined body wrapping itself around Seungsik’s curves, naturally molding himself to his warmth. 

It’s quiet, even  _ unnaturally  _ quiet in the dorm, as there’s  _ always  _ some sort of noise, however muffled, even in the dead of night. But it’s  _ silent,  _ even the other rooms miraculously void of  _ any  _ sort of noise, and Seungsik blushes, knowing that he and Seungwoo were very much  _ not  _ being subtle with their sounds, and knows it must have been. A lot. 

As he’s making a mental note to be more quiet next time,  _ next time,  _ he  _ hopes  _ there’s a next time, he feels Seungwoo shaking above him, his body trembling and vibrating against his chest, his shoulders visibly unstill. 

“Hyung?” he murmurs, his hands gentle on Seungwoo’s back, feeling him rumble, his chest going tight again with quiet worry. “Are you okay?”

Then, he hears it. The small chuckles that bloom into full, deep-bellied laughs, the tone high and bright, and Seungwoo is looking up then, eyes disappearing into half-moons and his smile, his laugh taking over the entirety of his face. 

He’s sweaty, hair slightly matted on his face from exertion, and there are shadows under his eyes, from the nights spent in the studio with little sleep and rest. 

He’s beautiful. Seungsik could stare at him like this, not get tired of it, of him. 

“Did we shock the kids?” he asks him, cheeks rounded beautifully as he laughs still, setting his chin on Seungsik’s chest and grinning up at him. 

Seungsik looks at him, somehow feeling even more flustered, cheeks pinking as he answers, “Um. Probably.”

Seungwoo laughs again, cheek pillowed on Seungsik’s skin as he beams up at him. He looks  _ so  _ happy, like Seungsik had somehow given him the greatest gift and he can’t contain the joy ballooning in his chest. 

Seungsik knows he didn’t do something as great as that. He just gave himself, and everything he had. 

“It really isn’t that funny,” he says, trying his best not to be so endeared by the way Seungwoo giggles against his neck, burrowing his way deeper into his heart. “We must have traumatized them.”

“No, that’s not it,” Seungwoo says, grinning still. “It’s just. I  _ knew  _ it.”

“Knew what?”

“That we’d fit together,” he replies easily, words falling from his lips like the truth, and Seungsik feels himself pause, and his chest just  _ glow.  _ Feels his whole body fill with warmth, as he takes in the gentle smiles Seungwoo offers him, the words that he’d told him.

Seungsik had hoped, had  _ thought,  _ had known it within himself, that even after everything that had changed, they would still find themselves falling into place, but never would he have guessed that Seungwoo had felt the same. 

They fit.  _ They fit.  _

Seungwoo chuckles quietly, leaning in to lick up his throat, saying in a bright tone, “Should have kicked them out sooner.”

_ “Hyung, please,”  _ Seungsik says, blood rushing to his face, very much flustered at his boldness, then he’s gasping and yelping as Seungwoo dances his fingers up his sides, laughing as he kisses him, teases him. 

.

It barely feels like he’d gotten any sort of sleep when Seungsik wakes the next morning. Truthfully, it’s too dark still to be considered morning, and while he doesn’t regret the additional rounds, he’s questioning why they couldn’t have just slept earlier.

He groans, shutting off his alarm, and rubbing the sleep away from his eyes, grunting again when he tries to stretch on the bed and his  _ back,  _ his  _ hips,  _ his  _ thighs,  _ all have little mercy on him. 

_ “Fuck,”  _ he mutters, sighing as he lays back, blinking slowly to look out to the other two in the room, hoping they can wake themselves up this time because he feels like today is going to be a little harder on him, but he realizes quickly that they’re not in their beds. Really, their beds look like they haven’t been touched at all. 

He stills, confused, then an arm is curling over his waist then, pulling him back to warmth, and he freezes. Then, he feels his whole body turn  _ red,  _ remembering what had happened the night before, the  _ noises  _ he had made the night before, and he feels like melting and disappearing into the bed, feeling a little  _ horrified  _ that everyone had heard him plead for  _ ‘harder’  _ and  _ ‘more’  _ of Seungwoo’s cock. 

He’d probably do it again, still. 

He turns slightly, coming face to face with Seungwoo’s sleeping face, lips slightly parted as he breathes in and out slowly, lashes fanned out on his skin in gentle curved strokes, and he’s wholly beautiful. 

Seungsik looks at him, going easily as Seungwoo pulls him in in his sleep, sighing when Seungsik’s warmth is pressed right up against him. Seungwoo is milky skin and endearing lips and the biggest heart, and Seungsik is warmed just being in his proximity, the small miracle that it is. 

The night before, the hours they had spent becoming familiar with each other in a way Seungsik knows neither of them have ever done with anyone else, once, then again before exhaustion wore them out to deep sleep almost instantly after Seungwoo had pulled him back up from where Seungsik had had his cock in his mouth. All miracles, all  _ treasures  _ he never thought he would be able to have, or be offered to him. 

It replays in his mind, over and over. The way Seungwoo had sunk into him, giving him his cock while Seungsik offered himself in turn, all too joyfully. The way they had both found  _ home,  _ their tired, chipped pieces somehow falling into each other, in the most  _ intimate  _ of ways. 

Seungsik feels himself shiver from his thoughts. Feels that warmth, more heated and cloying, curling around his neck, his belly. 

He sighs, tamping down his thoughts, knowing if he lets it linger, he’ll just want to do it again, and they don’t quite have time to do that, and he doesn’t know if his body can take another round. He looks at Seungwoo’s face instead, serene as he sleeps, and Seungsik brings up his hand to touch the slope of his nose with the barest skim of his fingers, and he wonders, not for the first time, how someone so  _ angled,  _ so sharp and perfect and chiseled, could be the most gentle, bright,  _ vibrantly  _ pure person in Seungsik’s life. In anyone’s life, really. 

A small flutter of his lashes, like wings fanning out as his lids move slowly, bit by bit, and then Seungwoo is opening his eyes, blearily, closed then open, until he’s more or less awake, groaning in ways Seungsik finds too endearing. 

“Too early,” he grunts, shaking his head when his own phone alarm goes off, ignoring it by burrowing into Seungsik’s neck and hiding from the world. 

Seungsik smiles at him, reaching over to disable the alarm for him, and he says softly, “Hyung. We have to get up.”

Seungwoo groans again, shaking his head, tufts of deep red hair sticking to Seungsik’s chest as he whines, “No, I don’t  _ want.” _

He chuckles at his whining, finds himself easily pulled into Seungwoo’s warmth as his arms snake around Seungsik’s back, keeping him close, pressed right up against him. He exhales as Seungwoo’s breathing evens out, puffs of warm air from his nose and mouth tickling his skin, and he tilts Seungwoo’s head up to look at him. He’s glaring sleepily, blinking slowly as he melts at the way Seungsik looks at him, sighing as he wakes up a bit more reluctantly. 

“Hello,” Seungsik greets him, laughing when he gets a grunt in return. He leans in to kiss him, the simplest press of his lips against his, and he smiles as Seungwoo seems to follow him as he pulls away, his nose catching Seungsik’s chin instead. 

Seungwoo huffs, jostling up a bit until their faces are more or less level, and he leans in to kiss him properly. His lips press against Seungsik’s, the touch deepened almost immediately, and Seungsik finds himself humming into his mouth, letting Seungwoo’s tongue pry his mouth open and lick in. 

“Good morning,” Seungwoo says, eyes ablaze and reaching up to cup his face. He leans back in to kiss him, and Seungsik inhales sharply as Seungwoo’s other hand reaches down to pull him in flush, pressed flat against the small of his back and keeping him close. “Oh,  _ good morning.” _

And as much as Seungsik wants to be unaware of the way they’re pressed right up against each other, the morning and sleep and proximity and bareness aren’t doing much favors for them in terms of being  _ calm.  _ He gasps into Seungwoo’s mouth as he feels him roll his hips against him, and he  _ wants,  _ really  _ wants,  _ but, “Ah,  _ ah,  _ Seungwoo - it’s a full day today. We, we can’t.”

“Hmm, what do we have, exactly?” Seungwoo asks him, not interested in moving away, and Seungsik sighs, reluctant as he pushes Seungwoo off him slightly, at least enough to look into his eyes and reply. 

“Jacket shooting the whole morning, until early afternoon, if we work efficiently,” he says, sighing as Seungwoo groans. “Fittings for stage outfits in between.”

He reaches for his phone to look through the rest of the day’s agenda, feels his heart sink a little when he sees that it’s going to be a 19-hour day, at least for him, almost every hour with an alert for what needs to be done. Even meals are specifically timed and scheduled, and he adds on a little sadly, “Dance practice the rest of the day. And, I have a meeting with some staff, after dinner.”

He trails off, and by now, they’re somewhat used to the grind, even after the long break. They know how these things go, even if now, it seems a little more quickly-paced than usual. 

Still. It’s different. The pressure is different, the attention on them is different. 

And they’re different, all of them. It’s familiar but strange and each day is another path to the top of the mountain, walking together, getting a little worn. They can’t take the same roads they’d taken before, and for him, it feels especially precarious. 

He has no second thoughts about taking this position. Knows that for everyone, this is the right choice, and it will treat them all better when they reach the zenith, even when he knows he’s not enough to lead them all there despite his every effort. 

But still. Still. 

There is the lightest touch, a skim of fingers against his bottom lip, the frown-dimple on his face. He blinks, and comes down from his thoughts to see Seungwoo looking at him curiously, silently. 

“Sorry,” he says, shaking it off for now. “I must have drifted.”

“It’s okay,” Seungwoo tells him softly. He takes a moment, before he kisses him again, even more gently now as he reels him in, cradling Seungsik against him, and it’s all too easy. The way Seungsik could almost just  _ fall  _ into it and believe that they were almost meant to do these things. This is  _ them.  _ “Do you want to talk about it?”

And Seungsik looks at him, and he knows that Seungwoo would understand. Seungwoo has been  _ there,  _ has known these worries and hardships himself, and maybe, it’s exactly because he  _ does  _ understand, that Seungsik doesn’t want to talk about it, with him. 

Seungwoo is doing things for himself, breathing easier. He doesn’t want him to worry over things that Seungsik can (and should) solve on his own. 

“I’m fine,” he tells him, giving him a small smile to appease him. 

Seungwoo doesn’t look very convinced, but he just replies, “Alright. But you really don’t have to be shy with me. You can tell me anything.”

“I understand,” he says, closing his eyes when Seungwoo leans forward to kiss him, and it’s almost Pavlovian at this point. With the way he’s touched like this, by Seungwoo, by someone he’s loved gently, then fiercely, for as long as he had, he feels his body warm up, radiating from his chest, spreading down to the rest of him. 

Seungwoo kisses him, his thin lips curving into a smile against Seungsik’s mouth, and he pulls away slowly, smiling still as Seungsik trails after him, pressing another kiss against his lips. “There’s a lot to do today,” he says, and Seungsik hears the sigh in his voice, knowing that they really need to get going as soon as they can, but he feels his reluctance to fully wake and leave their cocoon. Hears it in his tone, feels it in the way Seungwoo holds him even closer despite his words. 

Seungsik feels the same way, and he knows they need to be out the door soon. But. 

“I guess we should be getting up,” Seungwoo says, and it’s then that Seungsik gives in, and moves quickly before he second guesses himself. 

He pushes Seungwoo on to his back, moving himself to get on top of him. Seungwoo stares up at him, surprised and dazed as Seungsik leans down to kiss him again, only now, he doesn’t hold back. He kisses him with heat, licking into his mouth and sucking on his tongue, and Seungwoo moans, his hands moving to splayed out over Seungsik’s ass. It’s right where he wants him. 

“I -  _ ah,  _ I thought you said, it’s a full day today,” Seungwoo says, but he makes no move to stop Seungsik as he rolls his hips down, groaning as Seungsik’s hands nap out the breadth of his chest. 

”It is,” Seungsik says, feeling his follow Seungwoo’s hands as they glide up his back, nails gently digging into his skin. “Just means we shouldn’t waste time, and get right to it.”

Seungwoo stares at him, stunned. Seungsik isn’t surprised; this is  _ completely  _ irresponsible, especially for him, since he's the leader and  _ should  _ know better and be the one to make sure they’re on track and not doing things  _ like this.  _

Then, Seungsik finds himself yelping as Seungwoo sits up suddenly, pulling him flush to him, catching his lips in a steaming kiss that makes Seungsik  _ moan.  _

“You’re really fucking sexy,  _ fuck,”  _ Seungwoo tells him, and Seungsik turns bright red at the words, feeling like they’re too much for him. 

But, he stops thinking, throwing his head back as fingers gently probe his ass, and they sink into each other again, pace a flurry and  _ perfect,  _ Seungsik finding his toes curling again when Seungwoo fucks into him from below. 

It’s lucky that they have the shoot first; with the way he rides Seungwoo, dancing wouldn’t possibly be an option immediately. 

.

Preparing for album releases always feels a little strange. Sometimes, it’s like the buildup takes much too long, feels like the days stretch on impossibly before the day of release. Practice always seems to take forever, the wait of letting everyone hear and see their hard work seems endless. Yet, somehow, at times it would feel like time was slipping from them. Feels like minutes would flash by before they’re done with the pictorials for the physical release, or final produced songs are played to them and they would feel so  _ new,  _ despite the weeks and weeks of work. Feels like over a month of working on the dance had flashed by, the motions almost instinctive and so deeply ingrained at this point, they would be able to do it without thinking at all. 

But, in the end, having it finally be heard, finally stepping on that stage for the showcase, regretfully to an empty room, but the love felt regardless, finally showing off everything they had been working on, it feels like  _ bliss.  _

It feels earned, it feels fulfilling, feels like a weight is lifted off of their shoulders, feels  _ good,  _ especially as seven,  _ finally,  _ after so much uncertainty.

But, it’s as if Seungsik didn’t even have the luxury of really enjoying it, letting it sink in, too much in his mind for him to really  _ have  _ the moment. 

The pressure had mounted, on and on, and he’s happy for the success. He truly,  _ genuinely  _ is. But just because he’s happy doesn’t mean the stress is any less felt. 

There’s making sure everything goes smoothly, that rehearsals go well for all of them, that everything is prepared for later on. Making decisions for all of them as a collective along the way when it can’t be helped, having to live with those decisions. Monitoring everyone,  _ everything,  _ watching the ball drop and seeing the first impressions. 

Byungchan. How his heart had dropped, how he couldn’t quell the pain that bloomed as he felt like he had been an extension of his younger brother’s body, how he wished he could have taken the pain and even taken it for himself. 

But, they go through it all together. He makes the decisions, pained to go on without another limb, but they follow through with him, doing as best as they can despite the things they can’t change. And it’s good, it’s all good. 

It’s relief for everyone. On the other hand, despite the short reprieve, he’s still working, absorbing all the stress into himself instead so no one else would have to. 

He tries not to let it show, but his shoulders, his chest, his head, they all feel especially heavy. 

And sometimes (many times), he would catch Seungwoo looking at him, and Seungsik sees everything he's trying to convey. His pride, his gratitude, his affection, and, maybe more often then he’d like, his concern and worry. 

With every minute being needed, they hadn’t had much time to do much more aside from climbing into his bed together and sleeping. It makes that one night, which had bled into the morning, even more precious and special, and while Seungsik wants more nights like it, they just don’t have any more time for the next couple of weeks for much else aside from work. He knows Seungwoo understands that, and Seungsik had made the decision to pause it all, just for the time being, while they’re working almost every moment of the days ahead, and Seungwoo had agreed easily, respecting his call. Despite this being really new between them, it goes as well as it could, for who they are and what they do for a living. They’re lucky. 

But, by hitting the pause button, Seungwoo seems to be looking at him more intently, and Seungsik knows when he’s being observed. Seungwoo doesn’t hide his concern for him either, asking him quietly at night before the exhaustion takes over if he’s been okay, if he’s feeling tired or drained, if he could do anything for him. 

It means a lot to Seungsik, really. But Seungsik doesn’t want him to think too much about it, doesn’t want him to worry over something so small as him. 

So he just does his best, even more so than usual. He does his best, and everyone is encouraging, helping him along the way, following well, doing their best too. It’s not much, but he thinks he’s doing a good job. Certainly knows everyone is, at the very least.

.

They only have two weeks this time. It’s a shame, but Seungsik understands, and does his best with the time they have. 

They do better than they expected to. Despite everything going on, they set their own personal records, and some even within the company. They’re happy, and the people in charge in the company are happy. 

It feels like a sigh after holding your breath in to expect the worst. They’ve come a long way, and this cements that they’ll have an avenue to keep going, and that there will be a next time. 

The call times at 5 in the morning, leaving for the dorm hours past midnight just to get a few hours of sleep before they have to do it all over again, long hours on studios pre-recording to empty stages and filming all sorts of video content that will end up being trimmed down to maybe fifteen minute clips at most, doing all the radio shows and having to touch up the roots on their hair as they go so it all still looks pristine (bless Sejun for his patience), none of it gets much easier. 

The promotional period feels a lot like a blur; it moves quickly, and it’s hard on all of them, in so many aspects. Especially without the usual warmth and noise of their fans makes it even more difficult to trudge on, and it wears down on all of them. It’s especially hard on Seungwoo, after being without the light that usually comes along with them for the ride, not having been with them when they had experienced their rebirth, and the concerts. 

Seungsik does what he can. Kisses him in the dressing room after recording, telling him he did well. Holding him close at night, letting it be quiet when Seungwoo needs it to be. Supporting him as he adjusts again, holding his hand so it’s even just a bit easier. Seungsik does what he can for  _ all  _ of them. Checking up on Byungchan when he has his consultations for his injury, offering to come with him to his appointments. Waking Sejun and Subin up and making sure the room they share is comfortable for the few hours that they’re there for the night, before they have to leave to get to work and do it all over again. Helping Chan with his food and tending to the bruises that he had accumulated from working too hard, and sitting with Hanse when things are a little too loud. 

He takes the ribbing, takes the jokes, knows they don’t mean it with any malice. Knows they’re doing what they can to help  _ him,  _ too, if just to make him smile. And he does. 

Things aren’t easy. They never usually are, for them. Everything they have, they’ve had to  _ earn,  _ working harder and harder to prove that they deserve the miracle. 

But, despite it all. They’re having fun, together. Laughing, more than they have in a while, making fun of each other and building each other up, all at the same time. They’re laughing together at five in the morning, playing fun stupid games to win some packaged snack food as if they didn’t have piles of it at the dorm, howling and attacking each other for kisses and causing chaos at shoots. And, maybe most of all, they’re performing like they were never apart. Singing together as if they were just breathing, and dancing, moving together as parts of the whole, like they were always meant to. 

They’re doing it together, regretfully they’re eventually incomplete, but they’re coming together, their individual pieces falling into place a bit more, and it won’t be long until they find that they’re right where they need to be. 

They work hard, and it pays off. They win to an empty studio, but the love is felt regardless as they put on the wolf ears, and when Seungsik sees Seungwoo hold the trophy in his hands, silent and smiling softly as he takes it in, he falls in love again, and thinks, not for the first time but now, especially strongly, that doing this, giving Seungwoo the space to breathe without the responsibility on his shoulders, it had all been worth it. 

A few days later, they’re on a radio show, and. It’s not as if they didn’t expect that questions about this  _ would  _ come up. Their situation is unique, a little confusing, and even they themselves are still trying to understand it. 

But, for what they are now, and who they are individually as people, and together as a group, their situation is what’s needed. And it’s not a bad thing, just new. 

It feels strange to address it fully, publicly, like this, but Seungsik knows he needs to be the one to speak about it, if not for any other reason that  _ he  _ is the leader for all of them, now. He answers it simply when it comes up, that he’ll be leading them from now on, that Seungwoo will help guide him along the way, and help him watch over the others. He reaches over to place his hand over Seungwoo’s quietly, gently as he speaks, and he catches the small, if slightly melancholic smile on Seungwoo’s face as he does. 

A few days later, on another radio show, he’s caught off guard when Seungwoo gives him a message, and Seungsik is silent as he speaks, unable to do much else aside from laugh softly and smile, feeling awkward as they play a sentimental backing track to add to the mood. Seungwoo smiles as well, the kind that makes his eyes small and his smile stretch into a small, shy curve, but he catches himself well enough, doesn’t stumble over his words.

When Seungwoo speaks, and he asks him how hard it is to be in the position he was in twice over, and the position Seungsik had adopted and taken on, says it all in that soft, maybe slightly tired tone that only they would catch, Seungsik knows he won’t have much to say. Knows that it’s the most he can do to keep quiet, listen and take in the words, and understand them. 

They haven’t really spoken about this, in particular. Seungsik didn’t think they needed to. He knows that even when he deeply appreciates and takes his vocal gratitude to heart, the way Seungwoo had been so much brighter these past few months, the way he had finally come down from the pinnacle he had forced himself to stay on without rest to support them, to support his other family, and finally just focused on himself, the way he looked at Seungsik with a quiet gaze and held his hand and curled up against him at night, those were enough. His thank you ran deeper and longer than the words he’s saying now. 

But. When Seungwoo tells him about how much he must trust him, it sinks in a little more. Letting go for him was just as difficult for him as it was for Seungsik to take the helm, and this. This means a little more, now. 

Seungsik takes in the words, understands the gravity of what Seungwoo is saying. Stays silent as he says it must be tough, how he’s sorry he can’t help him as much as he would like. 

About how he’ll be by his side, protecting the team with him. 

It means a lot. Seungsik smiles quietly as he lets the words sink in. 

“I love you,” Seungwoo says, and his tone is tender, the words warm and it sounds worn, in that wonderful way like it’s been said many times over, like it’s still meant all this time later. 

It’s a little different, from all the other times he’d said it. Seungsik can’t pin down what exactly, but Seungwoo’s words sound firm despite his soft voice. Like he’s sure, like it’s not something to be questioned. 

Seungsik doesn’t know what else to say. He settles with a smile, wide, a little shy, and, “Okay, hyung.”

For now, he hopes this will suffice. 

.

The meeting with the staff at the radio station didn’t go badly,  _ really.  _ It’s just, Seungsik and Seungwoo didn’t quite know what to say, or what was expected of them, so they were quiet more than anything. The atmosphere had been kind, if a little awkward, but there is a small thrum in Seungsik’s chest as they bid their goodbyes and leave the room. 

The offer to host their own show had come as a surprise; Seungsik had mentioned it in passing during one of the meetings he’d had with company staff, but he didn’t expect that to go anywhere. Though they’d leapt in bounds since the last year, doing things they thought they wouldn’t be able to achieve, they still considered themselves to be a modest, small group. There were plenty others who were more visible and popular, who deserved the opportunity to do what they were being offered to do. 

But. He can’t quite deny that despite the nerves that always comes with doing something new, Seungsik is  _ excited,  _ and having something to look forward to every week makes the incoming period after their promotions a little more bearable. 

And, to have the opportunity to be able to do work with Seungwoo, to do this with him. He can’t hide his smile. 

“What did they say the name was going to be, again?” Seungwoo asks him later in the car, his head fitting into the curve of Seungsik’s shoulder. Usually, Seungsik would be seated in the front next to their manager, but when Seungwoo had pulled him in next to him before he could even open the door to the front seat, Seungsik had gone easily. And truthfully, he  _ does  _ quite enjoy being a pillow. 

“There were a few suggestions,” Seungsik replies, recalling the ones he remembered, but one standing out particularly. “I like ‘Blanket Kick’ the most.”

“‘Blanket Kick,’” Seungwoo tries the name out for himself, saying it quietly under his breath, until the words are rolling off his tongue naturally. “Hmm, yeah. I like that one, too.”

“Are you just saying that because I like it? Do you even remember any of the others?” Seungsik teases him, and Seungwoo just shrugs, tilting his head up and looking at him with black pearl eyes. 

“Doesn’t matter. That’s the one you like, so I like it,” he answers.

And Seungsik is weaker than he thought he was, because he finds himself blushing at his words. He’s clearing his throat, looking ahead and watching the road as they make their way back to the dorm, and the lull in conversation isn’t unwelcome, the silence between them somewhat comfortable. 

It’s later on that he speaks again, asking Seungwoo, “What do you think of it?”

Seungwoo hums, pondering over his answer. “Of the name?”

“Of the whole thing. The show,” he says. 

He hums again. “It’s a little nerve wracking, isn’t it?” He pauses, then adds on, “I think it will be fun. Not very many opportunities like this, aren’t there? And for the two of us, too. The fact that they thought of the  _ two of us.  _ Makes it even more special.”

_ ‘Two of us,’  _ Seungsik breathes in, lets it wash over him. “So you think it’s a good idea?”

Seungwoo doesn’t pause this time. “I do,” he says, giving him a small smile. “Getting to have Tuesdays with you?”

“We live together, you see me everyday,” he says, and Seungwoo shakes his head. 

“It’s different, getting to do something like this, the two of us?  _ That’s  _ special,” Seungwoo tells him. “Let’s do well. Let’s do this together.”

Seungsik breathes quietly, notes how quiet Dohyun is being in front as he drives, and he thinks to himself. 

He feels like they’re not qualified to do the job, or at least, he knows he himself isn’t. They’re not very versed, and while they’re adjusting well to their new situation, they still have a long way to go. 

He thinks to himself that maybe Seungwoo, with the way he’s recognized these days, with all the offers to appear in editorial shoots on his own, and the following he had rightfully built up for himself, maybe  _ he  _ would be ready for something like this. There would be people willing to listen to him every week, if even more, there would be people who would be interested if just to hear him for a bit. 

Seungsik knows well and is proud of him for it. He’s earned it. 

He knows he has to work that much harder, to fill his shoes and to catch up to him, if just a little bit and there’s no resentment in it. Just love, so much of it, quiet and growing stronger still and he would do anything,  _ anything  _ for Seungwoo. 

He can’t quite tell, if he deserves this, or if he has any pull at all. 

He doesn’t doubt their fans. Doesn’t doubt that they are powerful, doesn’t doubt that in one way or another, they will support them. It just makes him nervous, to do something like this. It feels big. 

If it’s big, it means they’re getting somewhere. The miracle is growing. 

And he’d never been one to take miracles lightly. 

“Okay,” he says, “Let’s do it. Anything to help the group.”

“Oh? To help the group?” Seungwoo says, and there’s a small smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. “Ah, I see how it is. Just want to do it for the team, you don’t really want to do it with me. And here I thought you must have liked me.”

“Hyung, no, don’t be like that,” he whines, pouting a little more as Seungwoo laughs at him, that high-pitched giggle that verges on a cackle that Seungsik  _ hates  _ that he’s so endeared by it. “Why do you always tease me?”

“You’re too cute to not tease, though,” he says, and Seungsik can’t stop the way his chest just  _ floats,  _ hearing the words. 

So many things have happened, and still. Things like this, he’s still not used to it, and he doesn’t know if he ever will. 

He thinks he’ll always have a hard time believing that Seungwoo finds him cute, that he would tease him like this, flirt in a way that makes his head spin a little. 

“Should be fun,” he says, thinking of Tuesdays to come, maybe embarrassing himself a bit on the radio, sitting next to Seungwoo, making fools of themselves. It  _ should _ be fun. 

“I like having fun,” Seungwoo says, smiling. 

Seungsik smiles in turn. “We’re getting there. A bit more work to do, but. We’re getting there.”

At this, Seungwoo looks at him, his gaze a little more quiet, thoughtful. When he speaks again, it’s to say gently, proudly, “You’re working really hard, Sikie. Really. You’re doing well.”

The words mean a lot. Seungsik takes it to heart, smiles. Says in return, because it’s the truth and Seungwoo deserves the praise, “You too, hyung.”

.

They wrap up promotions soon after, things feeling lighter than they had been for a long time. It had been a good few weeks, despite not being able to see the fans, the void left in their absence very much felt, but they know it can’t be helped nor changed right now. 

Regardless, they do well, and they have fun. Byungchan is resting well with his family, and they have a short few days to themselves before they’re needed again. 

It’s a week before they’re due to start their radio show, and between meetings discussing possible segments and rehearsal days, Seungsik certainly still feels very busy. He hasn’t seen Seungwoo much aside from their time at home in the dorm and at work, knowing that when things wind down, that’s when he gets most restless, and when he gets most creative, so he’s spending any free time he has in the studio. 

Seungsik knows that he doesn’t want to feel blank again, and he understands. He just hopes he isn’t working himself too hard, and that he takes even just a minute to himself to rest. 

It’s late in the evening when Seungwoo is coming into the room Seungsik shares with Subin and Sejun, and there’s a blazing, bright look in his eye when he says, “How would both of you like to make some money right now?”

They both look up, and Seungsik watches on as they stare at Seungwoo. Sejun is in his underwear and sprawled out on his bed, and Seungsik remembers distinctly that he’d mentioned he’d be taking a shower before bed and stripped off his clothes around an hour ago, but he’d probably gotten distracted with some gaming videos on his phone, the bath a distant thought. Subin is clean and in his sleeping clothes, laid back on his bed and on his phone as well, glasses on, and he looks rather unimpressed with the whole situation. Seungsik doesn’t blame him. 

“How much are we talking?” Sejun asks, and Seungwoo blinks, before he pauses and thinks. 

“Whatever I have left in my wallet,” he replies, and they both snort, and go back to their screens.  _ “Hey,  _ I have money-“

“We’ve seen your wallet, we know what's in there,” Subin says, Sejun tacking on, “It’s really not enough to get us interested. Nice try.”

Seungsik blinks, stealing a look at Seungwoo’s surprised expression, and it’s really quite funny. With all the work he’d been getting on his own, all the photoshoots and the OST amongst other things, he’s sure that Seungwoo  _ definitely  _ has more money than they do. 

He sees the way Seungwoo’s face fall, and the exact moment that he gives up on using normal extortion methods, the way he huffs out, “Fine,” and comes in, and goes straight to Seungsik, climbing right on to his lap. 

Seungsik feels his whole face burn, avoiding the other two’s collective stare, instead looking at Seungwoo, saying, “Hyung, what-“

He gets no chance to finish his question, because Seungwoo is slanting his lips over his, pressing their mouths together in a kiss so seamless, so  _ steaming  _ and slick that Seungsik can almost feel the way his spine curves in, a shiver rippling down from his shoulders to the rest of his body. 

_ “Why  _ are you like this?” Subin is saying then, and Seungsik wants to  _ melt  _ down to the earth when he adds on, “Sik,  _ hyung,  _ why are you giving in so easily?”

“I was trying to ask you nicely,” Seungwoo says, on the edge of petulance, “Just wanted to have Seungsik for the night and I would have even paid you for it but since you’re not interested! I’ll be keeping my money and making out with my Sikie.”

_ My Sikie.  _ The way he feels his insides just  _ melt,  _ Seungsik is just so  _ weak.  _

Subin is right, because Seungsik is just  _ too easy  _ for Seungwoo, but he tries to put up a bit of a fight, at least, saying, “Seungwoo, hyung, it  _ is  _ their room too, you know.”

However, Sejun seems to muster up his courage, tries to egg him on and taunt Seungwoo, “Just making out?”

Seungwoo just grins, barely phased, “Do you want to stay and find out how far I’ll go? Because I  _ can  _ go the  _ whole way.  _ I feel like celebrating tonight.”

_ Oh god.  _ Seungsik feels his whole face burn, even before Seungwoo looks back down at him with the most mischievous look on his face, ready to cause many problems on purpose. His hands are already moving down, way too quickly, and Seungsik is done for. 

_ “Fine,  _ you horny demon,” Subin huffs, getting up and out and bringing Sejun along with him, who’s pouting and looking at them with a grossed out expression, like he’s caught his parents doing the deed. 

Seungsik supposed this isn’t anything  _ nearly  _ as traumatizing as that, but seeing as how Sejun, on occasion, would starfish over Seungsik’s bed when he comes back from leg rehab mornings, now knowing that the same bed is where Seungsik and Seungwoo have had sex, it makes him feel a little more apologetic.

“Really, you  _ should _ be doing it in your room instead, hyung,” Sejun says pointedly, his towel and pajamas and other toiletries cradled in his arms as he and Subin make their way out of the room. 

“Love you!” Seungwoo says cheerfully, blowing them a kiss. It’s not very helpful, but he’s adorable. 

“Sorry, Sejun, Subinnie,” Seungsik says, truly feeling apologetic for kicking them out again. 

“You’re lucky we love you both,” Sejun tells them, still frowning. 

“Yeah, we-“

Subin doesn’t even manage to get any other word in, because Seungwoo is apparently impatient and is leaning in, pressing his lips against Seungsik’s in a steaming,  _ hard  _ kiss, making him gasp against his mouth, and there’s a groan, and the door is shut close, and they’re alone. 

Seungsik is pliant under Seungwoo’s lips, breathing hard through his nose and kissing him deeper, a little rougher as he gets his hands around Seungwoo’s back, pulling him closer to him, face heating with the way Seungwoo is sitting on top of him, moving down on his crotch and making things even  _ warmer.  _

“Ah,  _ ah,  _ hyung,” he says, breathing deeply as he pulls away slightly, just enough so he can look at him properly. Seungwoo’s eyes are shining, his pupils blown and his usually dark eyes seem even more so. “It’s not that I’m not enjoying this, but what’s this all about?”

Seungwoo gives him a small smile, a tinge of mischief playing at the curl of his lips, but all he says is, “Can’t I want to be with you for the night? It’s been weeks since we’ve been alone.”

“No, of course,” he says, his hand drifting down to pat Seungwoo’s bottom lightly. He smiles just that bit wider, pressing back against his hand, and Seungsik does his best not to swallow too visibly. “It’s just that you said something? About celebrating?”

_ “Ah, _ yes. About that,” Seungwoo says, like he had been waiting for Seungsik to bring it up again, not bringing it up himself for a little more dramatic flare. Seungsik can almost feel him vibrate above him, like he can barely contain his excitement. “I have something to tell you.”

“Okay, what is it?” Seungsik asks him, tilting his head at him. 

Seungwoo pauses, not quite able to fully untwist the curl of his mouth, as if he were trying unsuccessfully to hide his smile. He speaks eventually, trying to sound nonchalant, “I’ve been thinking about, about my future, and you know, I’ve been writing a lot. For the group, of course, but. Also a lot of songs for myself, too. So, I didn’t think much of it, but of course, I was still kind of hopeful, so I mentioned it to some staff, that I was interested in doing some more solo work.”

“Solo work?” Seungsik says. “Like, more OST’s?”

“More like. A solo,  _ solo,”  _ Seungwoo says, and the words sink in, slowly. His face is as bright as the sun, and he adds, “And the company agreed.”

Seungsik pauses, feeling his whole body still. “What? They did?”

“Yeah,” Seungwoo replies, laughing a little, almost as if he were in some disbelief himself. “Yeah. I’m going to debut.”

Seungsik’s chest expands, the balloon in his body stretching, wider, wider still, until he feels  _ full  _ with everything, and he’s trembling slightly, and. 

This,  _ this,  _ Seungwoo finally taking and making the opportunities he had deserved for  _ so long.  _ It is  _ everything.  _

“Hyung,  _ hyung,”  _ he breathes out, voice shuddering as he pulls Seungwoo in to hold him tightly, “Oh my god. Oh my  _ god.” _

And Seungsik can’t help it. It overwhelms him, the tight, gentle warmth in his chest taking over the whole of his body, and he cries. The tears fall out so easily, making him hiccup as he clings on to Seungwoo, and the pride, the joy fills him, and it’s another little miracle. 

Time had finally been kind to them. And for someone he loves deeply, maybe more than anyone else, for him to realize the greatness he’d always been destined for, it makes Seungsik even more thankful, even more sure. 

“Sikie?” Seungwoo says, worry and concern in his voice as he holds Seungsik’s face in his hands. “Seungsik? What is it? Did I make you upset?”

He shakes his head, but he can’t bring himself to speak just yet. He holds him tighter, breathes against Seungwoo’s chest as he takes it all in.

It had been a very hard couple of years. Things are falling into place, and pride fills him, knowing that it had been worth it. 

“Hey. I’m sorry,” Seungwoo says, cradling his head in his hands, and Seungsik tries to shake his head, tell him that he doesn’t need to, but he continues, “Are you disappointed? Do, do you think I’m being selfish?”

His tone is quiet, gentle and careful, and deeply apologetic. Seungsik breathes him in, and looks up, meeting his eyes, and tells him from deep in his soul, “No. I’m not disappointed at all. I, I wanted you to be selfish, for once. I-“

He pauses again, overwhelmed, his chest  _ aching  _ with many beautiful things as more tears leak from the corners of his eyes, running down to his temple and into his hair. Seungwoo’s face softens, so much affection and relief in his gaze as he cups Seungsik’s face in his hands, his touch tender as he presses his lips against Seungsik’s cheek, lingering, letting it settle. 

Seungsik is filled with it all, feels his chest calm as Seungwoo holds him, letting his gratitude seep through his skin, and he’s happy.  _ Happy.  _

“This, this is the reason I took it on,” he says softly, and Seungwoo looks at him, his eyes shining and filming over with tears he doesn’t shed. “So you can be  _ you.  _ So you can do  _ this.  _ I’m, I’m so proud of you. Hyung-“

When Seungwoo kisses him, it feels even more significant, feels like everything else had been building up to this. His mouth is soft, his kiss like silk on Seungsik’s lips, and he licks in, and Seungsik tastes him, breathes him in. 

It’s slow, yet rushed, all at once. Seungsik wants to draw this all out, wants to hold him and be touched and make the minutes and seconds stretch out into infinities, but at the same time, it’s like he can’t get Seungwoo naked fast enough, feels like it’s  _ eternities  _ before Seungwoo balls up his shirt in his fists, pulling it over Seungsik’s head in a coordinated dance too slow for his life. 

But, when they  _ finally  _ get naked, when Seungwoo gets back on top of him and pulls him up to sit, molding their torsos together as he latches his lips back onto Seungsik’s as he rolls down his ass on him, it’s all too perfect. 

Like, this is  _ their  _ pace, a moment just for them, and somehow, it’s just right. Just like how Seungwoo wordlessly hands Seungsik the things they need, uncapping the lube and pouring it over Seungsik’s fingers, the way he grinds down on his lap making it clear what he wants. 

And Seungsik is  _ nervous,  _ excited but ultimately anxious. He wants to make Seungwoo feel good, in the way Seungwoo had so generously and perfectly done for him, wants him to remember tonight, wants to give him the very best of him. 

He knows he doesn’t have very much to offer, knows that Seungwoo deserves  _ more,  _ but he inhales deeply. Rubs his fingers to warm the lubricant, and he looks up at Seungwoo, finding him already looking at him, the warmest expression on his face. 

“Sikie, baby,” Seungwoo says tenderly, and  _ oh,  _ the way Seungsik’s chest just seems to  _ glow,  _ the warmth of the vocal affection making his chest seem all that much tighter. Seungwoo’s long fingers are in his hair, touching his locks gently as he asks him, as if he’d seen the truth in Seungsik’s eyes, “Are you nervous?”

And Seungsik can’t lie to him. “A little. It’s just that I want to do good for you.”

“You already do that, everyday,” Seungwoo tells him with a small smile, and Seungsik exhales, surging up to kiss him again, feeling like he’s even more nervous now, but somehow, calmed as well. 

He reaches down and behind, taking care not to get lube all over Seungwoo’s skin, and he traces a finger around his opening. Seungwoo shivers slightly, his impatience betrayed by the way he moves his arms to curl around Seungsik’s neck, his fingers squeezing at the muscles on his shoulder blades, as well as the way he moves back towards Seungsik’s hand, his length becoming more stiff between them. 

Seungsik breathes in deeply again, timing it with Seungwoo’s breathing, and he waits for a moment before he pushes in his finger even more, then a little more still after another breath, until he manages to get his whole finger sheathed inside Seungwoo, the tightness of his walls squeezing around his digit and making Seungsik tremble already. 

If he’s  _ this tight,  _ now, Seungsik can’t risk to think about what it would feel like to have his ass around him, otherwise he won’t last very long at all, his cock becoming even harder at the thought. 

_ “Ah, ah,”  _ Seungwoo moans, tilting his head back a little more, looking graceful and serene in his pleasure.  _ Beautiful.  _

“You okay?” Seungsik asks him, stilling his hand, but Seungwoo moves back against it, making it sink into him even deeper.

“Another,” he says on an exhale, his nails scratching slightly against Seungsik’s skin. 

Seungsik looks at him, feeling unsure, not wanting to hurt him or make him feel like they have to rush this. He wants him to be as comfortable as possible. “Hyung, maybe it’s better if we go a little slowly? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” he says, leaning down to kiss him again, reassure him. “I can take it. And I want you, I  _ want you.  _ Please, Sikie.”

Seungsik inhales sharply, and under Seungwoo’s dark gaze, it feels as if he can’t do anything but give him what he wants. Not with the way Seungwoo says his name on a sigh, so soft and breathless, and he’s filled with the need to give him everything he asks for. 

So, he inserts another finger into his hole, his breath catching in his throat as Seungwoo moans a little louder, tilting his head back even more as he’s stretched out above him. And they go on this way, Seungsik pumping his fingers into him in a quick but careful pace, adding a third as Seungwoo gasps, moans into the still air of the room, clutching Seungsik’s shoulders tightly as he pushes back against his fingers. Seungsik breathes in deeply, trying not to get too overwhelmed with the way Seungwoo’s ass is squeezing around his fingers so  _ tightly,  _ and he feels his whole body tremble with want, needing to be inside him. 

And Seungwoo thinks similarly, saying in a breathless tone, “Oh, Seungsikie, now.  _ Now,  _ want your cock, want to ride you.”

“Seungwoo hyung,  _ fuck,”  _ he grunts, feels as if the whole of his body flushed red with how hot it’s gotten. He groans when Seungwoo reaches down to take his cock in his hand, mostly hard already with just the rubbing between their bodies, and Seungwoo strokes him to where he wants him to be, fully hard and leaking slightly at the slit. 

“Hmm, you’re going to be so  _ good,  _ I can just tell,” Seungwoo smiles, almost a smirk as he tears a condom packet open with his teeth, and rolling it down his length straightforwardly. 

Seungsik is blushing, practically burning as Seungwoo praises him, the words sincere and borderline obscene, and he watches as Seungwoo lifts up off of his fingers, raising himself up on his knees as he gets into position over his cock. Seungsik spreads more lube all over himself, feeling like he’s about to fly out of his skin, He sits up a little straighter, trying to quell his heart racing in his chest, the balloon inside making it feel especially tight, and he holds Seungwoo’s ass in his palms, guiding him carefully, slowly down on to his cock. 

Seungsik finds himself closing his eyes already, from the first skim of the head against where Seungwoo is open and stretched for him, and they moan together, loudly, obscenely, as Seungwoo sinks down on him, taking his cock in and letting it plunge into him, until Seungsik is bottomed out inside him, every inch of him sheathed inside the most  _ incredible,  _ indescribable heat. Seungwoo is  _ hot, tight  _ around his cock, perfect, his ass sat on his lap and his chest rising and falling rapidly as he breathes quickly, evidently overwhelmed. 

“Hyung?” he says quietly, gritting his teeth as Seungwoo clenches around him, pumping his ass back against him as he adjusts. 

“Oh,  _ oh,  _ hold on,  _ fuck,”  _ Seungwoo moans, throwing his head back as his cock rubs against Seungsik’s belly. He’s visibly falling apart on top of him, arms shaking and thighs even more so as he holds himself up against him, his ass feeling like heaven around his cock. “Let me sit on -  _ fuck,  _ Seungsik, you’re so thick.  _ Fuck-“ _

“Hyung, ah,  _ fuck,”  _ he says, voice rather hushed as he reels Seungwoo in closer to him, his hands splayed out on the small of his back and on his ass, so close to where his cock is spearing him open, guiding him along as he rides him. “Are you,  _ ah.  _ Are you okay?”

“Hmm, never better,” Seungwoo says, and there’s a small giggle bubbling up in his voice, one that he presses against Seungsik’s lips as he hums against his mouth, “Knew it. I knew you’d take care of me, so  _ well.” _

“I haven’t even done anything, yet,” Seungsik replies, but truthfully, he doesn’t have very many words with how happy he is, his chest tight with it. He feels like floating, like he and Seungwoo are on a cloud, but Seungwoo feels like sin around him, his ass tight and hips moving in a way that makes him even harder inside him, desperate to fuck into him and make him scream a little, maybe.

Then, the balloon in his chest bursts with the next words that leave Seungwoo’s lips, a smile on his face as he pauses on top of him, sitting on his cock, looking down at Seungsik so affectionately, much more than he deserves. 

“I’m in love with you,” he says, looking so sure of it. Surer than anything in his life. 

Seungsik stills, the world stills along with him, and he’s unable to let the words sink in. He feels himself tremble, and everything  _ stings,  _ in all the best ways, and this is _ too much,  _ he feels like it’s not for him. Something as beautiful as this,  _ this,  _ can’t  _ possibly  _ be for him. 

His eyes film over with tears, and he feels instantly vulnerable, even more vulnerable than his nudity had already made him feel, too open as he begins to cry, his chest aching with disbelief.

“Y-You love me?” he’s barely able to manage, feels like his whole body is trembling (it is), like his chest had been ripped apart and then, piece by piece, put back together gently with every smile Seungwoo blesses him with. “You mean that?”

“Of course I do,” he replies. The smile doesn’t diminish, but it gets softer, even more loving. 

Somehow, it’s so  _ different  _ from every other time he’d ever said it. Seungsik knows,  _ feels  _ that the words carry a different weight now, knows that it means  _ more.  _

Their partnership, their bond had always been strong. With everything they had been through, with the way they understand each other in the way only they can with each other, there wasn’t any way it could be anything less than unfaltering, irreplaceable. 

Even with the way Seungsik had quietly loved him for as long as he has, though. His words come up short to describe the pure calm, bright  _ joy  _ in his heart with Seungwoo’s admission. 

And Seungsik realizes quietly that moment from a few weeks ago, when they had sat together and Seungwoo had given him his gratitude for the radio, only to end it with a quiet message of love, that his tone then isn’t very different from his tone now. 

Simple, honest, like it had always been a truth that maybe Seungsik didn’t realize was there. 

And he can’t help it. The way he can’t make himself speak, breath shuddering as he closes his eyes, the sting of fresh tears overwhelming, leaking even through his closed lids. 

“Hey, don’t cry,” Seungwoo is murmuring then, the soft pads of his fingers gently patting against his lids, the skin under his eyes, his cheeks, his lips, comforting him. He’s leaning in, his lips pressed against Seungsik’s cheek, holding him close as he says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to burden you-“

“No, no. It’s not that,” Seungsik says, holding him closer. Feels the way Seungwoo’s affection seeps into his skin, surrounding him from all sides. “I’m just. I waited a long time. I’m happy.”

A pause. Then, warm hands cup his face, opting his head up. Lips pressed against his eyelids, and soft words on his skin, “Do you love me, too?”

Seungsik exhales shakily. “Much longer than I can tell you.”

“Then, would you please say it?” Seungwoo asks him quietly, the lightest tremor in his voice, and Seungsik breathes deep, holding him impossibly close. 

_ “I love you,”  _ he says, out loud, finally. Like no other words have ever been so effortless on his lips. “Hyung, I  _ love you.” _

And there are lips on his, steaming and silky, murmuring the words in return, like air. Seungwoo sinks down on him, keeping Seungsik in him, keeping himself crammed full of him, and it’s here,  _ now,  _ that Seungsik finally  _ feels it.  _

That they finally,  _ truly  _ fit together. For every convex curve, there is a concave space Seungwoo offers just for him, letting him mold into him, accepting everything Seungsik has to give, as small as it is. Like he and Seungwoo are  _ finally  _ there, right where they need to be. 

And where they need to be is where Seungwoo clutches his shoulders, gasping into his mouth as he rocks his hips, moving on Seungsik’s cock, his body moving on an exhale as he rides him slowly, building himself up. 

“Ah,  _ ah,”  _ he breathes, his thighs shaking slightly as he pushes his ass back, making himself take his cock. “Fuck, it’s like you got even bigger-“

Seungsik feels his face burn, still wet from his tears, and it’s an onslaught of sensations. Seungwoo is grounding on top of him, his weight above him keeping him tethered, reminding him this is  _ real,  _ and he’s so  _ sexy,  _ beautiful like an angel and sinful altogether as he fucks himself on his cock, sighing and moaning as he throws his head back. 

“Oh,  _ right there,  _ that’s -  _ ah,”  _ Seungwoo gasps out breathlessly as Seungsik drives up into him, his teeth nipping at Seungwoo’s craned neck as he fucks him from below. “More, more-“

“Shit, you feel so  _ good,”  _ Seungsik groans, Seungwoo moaning along with him as he sinks down, his ass so gorgeously tight around Seungsik’s length, leaving room for nothing else. It feels as if he’d been made to fill Seungwoo up, and Seungwoo made in turn to envelope him, wrap him in warmth and himself. 

It’s ridiculous, but with the way they just  _ fit.  _ With the way Seungwoo cries out as he swivels his hips, rolling down on him and  _ taking it,  _ with the way Seungsik pierces into him, cramming him full.

He  _ rams  _ up into himq, using the whole of his body to thrust up, and Seungwoo just short of screams, the sound coming out of him obscene,  _ wonderful.  _

“That’s it, hyung, take it. You’re so  _ tight,”  _ Seungsik praises him quietly, his voice coming out tight as he fucks up into him, the tightness of his ass around him making him tremble. Seungwoo moans in turn,  _ “Yes, yes, yes,”  _ pushing his ass out for Seungsik to plow into, his arms wound tightly around Seungsik’s torso. 

Seungsik’s chest shudders, and he forces himself to close his eyes and take a moment to breathe. Listens to the way Seungwoo’s moans  _ melt  _ into his ear, spurring him on, making his chest tighter and head fuller. He drills up into him, their bodies meeting in louder slaps as Seungwoo’s ass meets the thin skin of his hips, and Seungsik feels his breath come short every time he buries his cock deeper into him. 

It’s good, too good, something out of a dream. 

“Hyung, could you lean back for me?” Seungsik requests softly, and Seungwoo looks at him with that same dark gaze, wanting and deep into his pleasure, and he nods, leaning in to kiss him heatedly once before he complies. 

Seungsik watches as Seungwoo gets into position, swallowing heavily as he arches his back and leans back, splaying his hands on Seungsik’s thighs, and he’s achingly gorgeous, lean muscles and his body defined in graceful lines, open and his length hard, rubbing against Seungsik’s belly. 

Seungsik loves him,  _ loves him.  _ He can barely contain it. 

He takes a moment just taking him in, reaches out to rest one hand on Seungwoo’s thigh, his skin creamy milk in complexion and smooth under his touch, and the other hand enclosing around Seungwoo’s cock, trembling as he remembers how he’s touched it, had it between his lips, inside him. 

“Ah,  _ ah,  _ no, not yet,” Seungwoo says, his voice soft and tight as he pushes Seungsik’s hand away from his length. “Not yet. I know we can last a little longer. I want to.”

And Seungsik very well can’t say no to that.

He breathes deeply, staring at Seungwoo as he leans back a little more, angling his body and swiveling on his length slightly as he adjusts, and he groans, wanting to stay like this for as long as possible  _ but  _ also trembling with his want. 

Seungwoo  _ moans,  _ the sound like a melody he can’t stop listening to, and Seungsik moans with him. Grips Seungwoo’s hips, and brings him down as he slams up, pounding into him. 

_ “Oh fuck! Sikie,”  _ Seungwoo cries out, body going taut as Seungsik doesn’t pause, pistoning his cock into him as he brings him down to meet his hips. His chest heaves, thighs shaking as he sinks down on him, and Seungsik feels his nails dig into his thighs gently as he thrusts up into him, grounding him as they go. 

It’s easy to forget, somehow, even as they’re here now, bodies connected in ways they’ve shared themselves with little else, their affection mutual, love strong between them, that this isn’t a dream. That Seungwoo moaning for him, moaning his name as he takes Seungsik’s cock into his body over and over as he hammers up into him isn’t just in his imagination, that this is  _ real.  _

Seungsik inhales, grabbing Seungwoo’s waist and turning them over, Seungwoo making a surprised noise as he lands on his back, pillowed by the bed and Seungsik’s sheets, only to gasp when Seungsik drives into him deeper, his ass tight and clenching around him. 

“Oh,  _ god,  _ so  _ good,”  _ Seungwoo almost sings as Seungsik plunges into him, and he’s wrapping his limbs around him, arms curling over his shoulders and his legs hitched up around his waist. “Sikie,  _ baby-“ _

_ “Hyung,”  _ he moans, leaning down to kiss him hard, as sweet as he can manage, and Seungwoo hums into his mouth, smiling again at his lips. “Can, can I-“

“Go ahead. As hard as you can give me,” Seungwoo tells him, kissing him again, like a seal of his trust, and Seungsik exhales, overwhelmed, and raring. 

He  _ rams  _ into him, biting his lip as his hips sting with the force of his thrust as they slap against Seungwoo’s ass, and Seungwoo  _ screams,  _ loud enough that he’s sure that even the dorms next to theirs will hear him. 

And it fills Seungsik’s chest. He reels back, only to plow into him again, even harder, and again, and again still, the skin bruising where they meet and his cock painfully hard as he fucks forward into the person he loves most. 

Seungwoo cries out for him, taking him so  _ beautifully,  _ like he’s meant for it. His cock rubs between them, his ass stretched out by him, his body jostled up with every thrust forward, and he asks for more, harder, faster. 

They’re both close, Seungwoo moaning and squeezing around him, and Seungsik’s body hot with it, especially so in his belly. He slams into him, harder, pushing them both up even more, and Seungwoo has to bring a hand upriver his head, pressed flat against the wall so he doesn’t hit his head, and Seungsik leans down to kiss him, apologizing against his lips, to which Seungwooo just replies with a, “Make me come, then, maybe I’ll forgive you then,” tacking on a grin to drive it home. 

Seungsik doesn’t intend to fail him. He fucks him harder, faster, moaning and gasping and reaching down to loosely wrap his hand around Seungwoo’s cock, stroking him as he fucks forward without any true rhythm aside from needing to come, wanting to bring them both home. 

It doesn’t take very long. It feels like they had been building up, more and more, with every push of his hips and every moan between them, and then, like a snap, Seungwoo gasps, his body stilling as he comes, shooting over his belly, over Seungsik’s fingers, looking like a vision beneath him. 

And Seungsik is quick to follow, the tightness of Seungwoo’s ass around him making sure he would follow him soon. The heat snaps, and he comes, moaning Seungwoo’s name as he pushes into him, grinding in deeply as he comes into the condom, wringing it out and breathing heavily above him. 

It’s moments of silence between them, comfortable and weighted as they breathe together, coming down from it and the sweat cooling slowly on their skin. Then, Seungwoo is pulling him in closer, and Seungsik finds himself tucking his face into his neck, sighing as Seungwoo cards his fingers through his sweaty hair, and the quiet, the warmth is almost enough to lull him to sleep. He knows he has to pull out of Seungwoo before it gets too uncomfortable for either of them, and he doesn’t want him to go to bed dirty and tacky with dried come over his stomach, but Seungsik lets the moment stretch on, just for a little bit, letting the love sink in between them. 

Seungwoo is quiet, too, and when Seungsik looks down, he’s already looking, eyes tender and tired, too beautiful than Seungsik had ever thought he would deserve. 

“Are you happy, hyung?” he asks him softly, and Seungwoo gives him a gentle smile. 

“How could I not be?” he answers. He presses his lips against Seungsik’s nose, and the words that follow make Seungsik’s heart sing. “You’re home now, too.” 

.

Things don’t change much, between them. Seungwoo still curls up against his shoulder, laughs brightly when he teases him, tackles him to the bed or couch or nearest horizontal surface to shower him in surprise attacks of affection, just as he’d always done before. Even on their radio show, too much of the hour and a half they spend together is spent in laughter, making fun of each other, lifting each other up.

And every time, Seungsik would find that his smile would take over his whole face, the glow overtaking every bit of his body, and it’s not all that different from the way he would feel with Seungwoo, before. 

He’d always been in love with him. But, to have that love be understood, known, acknowledged, and most of all, returned in full and enough to spill over, it’s the brightest time of his life. 

Different, but not all that different, because now he recognizes that Seungwoo isn’t treating him very differently, and his love must run deeper, longer than he realized. He had always been transparent with how he felt; he loved Seungsik then, and he loves Seungsik now. It had always been there, waiting until Seungsik was ready to know what it was. 

He’d always been in love with Seungwoo, but he did not see that Seungwoo had felt similarly, too involved in himself to even realize. Now that he does, it feels like he’s come home, after months of trying to be strong holding up the fort by himself, keeping his feelings to himself but not realizing that there was a place for them to have a home, too. 

Home had always been in each other. 

And it’s another small miracle. 

.

They didn’t expect to be given a comeback as soon as this. Barely weeks since they’d wrapped up activities for the last one, and now Seungsik is in a company office, sitting in front of a few directors, stunned and still at the news. 

They let him decide on how to let everyone else know, and Seungsik finds that he’s at a loss for words.

He understands, that him being the leader would mean he’d have to toughen up and do the hard things. This isn’t bad news, by any means. It feels like they’re being trusted a little more, thought of a little more brightly, that they’re finding their footing and finding their place. 

But, there was a mountain already on their plates, and they’re all blessings, miracles. Being busy was something they’d wanted, but.

Seungwoo had already been taking to coming home in the early mornings, if he comes back at all, when most nights he chooses to just sleep in his studio room. He drinks more coffee than water lately, and if he remembers to eat something other than a yogurt snack and kimbap, it’s a lucky day. 

He’s already busy working on something he’d been building up to for a long time. Another group comeback means that his nights will become longer, that any moment he’s free will be devoted to work, and he knows Seungwoo. He’s incapable of giving anything less than his absolute  _ most  _ to anything he does. He’ll be giving everything to the group, and be giving everything to his own work. 

Seungsik knows he’s strong, that he’s weathered through harder things and he’s earned his time in the sun and he  _ should  _ get to  _ bask  _ in it. But he doesn’t know how he can help him from getting overwhelmed. 

So he tells Dohyun to bring him to the studio instead of the dorm after the meeting, and it’s late enough that there aren’t very many rooms still occupied, dim rooms making the glass doors dark as he makes his way to Seungwoo’s room, the only illuminated door in the hall.

“Sikie? Hey,” Seungwoo greets him as he opens the door, smiling despite his apparent exhaustion, and Seungsik counts two large coffee cups, one empty, the other with maybe a third of an Americano left, a few empty snack bags, and a mostly finished yogurt snack next to his keyboard. 

Seungsik sighs quietly to himself, comes forward and stands in front of him, and Seungwoo blinks sleepily as he spins his chair to face him, and he pillows his face against Seungsik’s stomach, hugging his lower body as he hums, content.

Seungsik blushes, melting, sighing again to himself as he brings his hands up to card his fingers through his hair. Somehow, this makes everything a little harder. 

“It’s late. Do you want to head back home?” he asks him quietly. He’s not surprised when Seungwoo shakes his head to say no, and he sighs once more, letting Seungwoo hug him a little tighter. 

“Still have lots to do,” he says, and then he’s yawning, and Seungsik exhales, knowing how true the words ring. 

He doesn’t know how to move forward, but he steels himself, knowing it needs to be done sooner than later so they would know what to do, and he says, “I had another meeting today.”

“Hmm, you’ve been having a lot of those lately,” Seungwoo says. He yawns, and Seungsik swallows heavily, pulling away gently and sitting on the table, turning Seungwoo’s chair so they’re facing each other. 

Seungwoo looks at him, and he says, “What is it?”

Seungsik thinks over his words, over and over. He doesn’t know how else to say it, so he just says straightforwardly, “So, they’re thinking of having us release another song, next month. Single album, most likely.”

Seungwoo’s eyes go a bit wider, and he looks a little more awake, the smile on his mouth growing wider as he says, “Really? This soon?” When Seungsik nods, Seungwoo’s face softens, his smile gentle and just for him as he says, “This is amazing. It really is. This soon, it really looks like they’re trusting us a lot.”

“Yeah,” he says, not as eloquently as he’d like. He’s feeling many things and he doesn’t know what to say. 

“The kids will be so happy,” Seungwoo tells him, and Seungsik feels his chest pound a little, not quite painful, but very much felt all the same. “Hey, you’ve done so well.”

Seungsik looks at him, surprised. “I, no. No, not just me, I didn’t do anything-”

“You keep saying that,” he says patiently, kindly. “But, look at where we are now, since you took over.”

No, no. Seungsik knows that him taking over is small, compared to what Seungwoo had gone through. It’s hard, and he’s had to learn so many things and adjusted and really, he feels he’s changed himself to fit the role, but it’s still nothing like the time Seungwoo had sacrificed. But still, he can’t say much else aside from, “No, hyung,” before he trails off, not knowing what to say.

It’s quiet, and it’s not much longer before Seungwoo asks him, “What’s wrong? You don’t want to do it?”

God, no. He  _ wants  _ to, they have prayed and waited to be this busy. But, “It’s just, you’re already so busy. You’re not getting any sleep as it is.”

Seungwoo makes a soft noise, and he reaches over to stroke Seungsik’s hair, “Hey, I’m okay. I can do it, it’s no problem.”

“I’m worried you might get hurt, pushing yourself to do everything,” he admits quietly. 

“I’ll be okay,” Seungwoo tells him. Seungsik knows he means it, and he really does believe him. 

But it still worries him. “I feel like it’s going to ask too much from you.”

And he doesn’t say it out loud, but he means more than just the physical toll. He trusts Seungwoo when he says he’s okay, whenever he asks. But it’s not like Seungsik doesn’t see how he’s changed, how everything that had happened had made Seungwoo push a little harder, give so much of himself, without pause. 

He wonders if he’d really had given himself the time to let the dust settle around him, taken in everything he must have felt. 

Seungwoo watches him, says carefully, “You’re not considering pushing this back for the group, just because of me, are you?”

“No, no,” he says, feeling really inadequate in how he’s handling everything. “I’m just worried is all. I’m always worried about you.”

Seungwoo’s expression goes unbearably soft, and Seungsik feels his cheeks dust over with pink with how gentle his gaze is as he says, “Thank you.”

“What for?” he asks him, and Seungwoo just keeps looking at him, his affection too clear. 

“It feels nicer than I thought it would,” he says. “Knowing someone really,  _ truly,  _ cares about me, especially in this way. But, really, I’ll be okay.”

Seungsik looks at him, hears it in his voice how it’s not something he can change Seungwoo’s mind on. He sighs to himself quietly, says, “You’ll talk to me, won’t you? If it gets too much?”

Seungwoo's smile is tender, and he nods, offering his palm as Seungsik reaches out to tangle their fingers together. “Yes, I promise.”

“I love you, you know,” Seungsik says, and though the words are true, his cheeks still flush with his honesty. 

He watches the way Seungwoo’s lips stretch into a beam, unable to hide how pleased he is. “I know. Say it again, though.”

Seungsik’s face floods with heat as he blushes harder, but he says anyway, unable to turn him down, “I love you.”

Seungwoo grins, reaches up to hold his other hand up to his chest, and he says in such an earnest voice that Seungsik can’t quite tell if he’s being ironic, “Oh? I think my heart just fluttered.”

“I think that’s just the caffeine breaking you down,” Seungsik tells him, feeling his face  _ burn  _ at the way Seungwoo is being so openly flirty, and Seungwoo shakes his head.

“Nope, I’m sure it’s you,” he says, and before Seungsik can reply, Seungwoo is leaning forward to curl up against him, nuzzling his nose against his neck and humming contently. “Hey. You’re warm.”

“Thank you?” he says, not knowing how to respond. 

Seungwoo hums again, before he says, “I love you too.”

And Seungsik is _ too weak,  _ turning pink to the tips of his ears, letting himself be pulled in as Seungwoo presses his lips against his. Seungwoo kisses him tenderly, his hands cradling his face closely and putting Seungsik’s glasses away so it doesn’t get in the way, and Seungsik finds himself humming against his mouth, parting his lips as Seungwoo’s tongue pries them gently. 

He doesn’t know just  _ how  _ things escalate from something so soft, doesn’t recall when and how they find themselves on the couch, but Seungsik is eventually sprawled on the cushions, laying on his back as Seungwoo blankets him from above, kissing him still, slightly more heated with his touches. In Seungsik’s hair, on his waist, under his shirt, gliding up his skin, anywhere and everywhere it seems, all of it making Seungsik shiver under him. 

“You know,” Seungwoo says against his lips, bringing his hand up over Seungsik, holding onto the armrest so he doesn’t hit his head, “I’ve never had sex in here before.”

“I should hope not, we work here,” Seungsik says automatically. A pause, and he glares up at Seungwoo’s easy grin, not trusting it at all, saying, “What makes you think you’re going to now?”

Seungwoo just smiles even wider, saying much too happily, “God, you’re sexy.”

Seungsik feels like his face is on fire, not knowing how to respond without tripping over his words. He still does anyway, saying, “Didn’t, didn’t you say that,  _ ah,  _ that you had a lot more to do?”

“I can spare fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes?” Seungsik says, eyes going wide as he stares up at him, taking in the wide stretch of his mischievous smile. Really,  _ really,  _ he can’t deny how much he  _ wants,  _ but he can’t just make Seungwoo win so easily, just like that. He needs to keep even just a bit of his pride for himself, says, “You seem confident.”

_ “Bet,”  _ Seungwoo says, smirk  _ too much  _ on his face as he leans down again, kissing him, and Seungsik melts under him, almost instantly. 

Really, it leans more towards almost an hour, but Seungsik isn’t complaining. 

.

Everything is a blur for the next month, even more so than usual. It’s fun, still, but the fast pace of everything makes it even harder to take it all in, much less to think, with how busy they are with everything. 

Recording one day, then learning choreography the next, then rushing to get album shoots done and stage outfit fittings and filming for so many things in between. For the two of them, they have to block off a chunk of their Tuesday’s as well for the radio show, and it piles up higher and higher and Seungsik is doing his best to help them get through the mountains that have grown. 

Every hour he’s awake is spent worrying. Worrying about everything, about everyone, but, mostly the fact that whenever they finish dance practice in the early, early hours of dawn, Seungwoo would make the trek to his studio room instead of the dorms, spending all and any time he has left in the day to devote to working on his album. 

And Seungsik can’t help but worry, because he knows that Seungwoo won’t give anything less than his everything. Knows that he’ll work on something already perfect just to make it even better, regardless of how much time it takes, of how little rest he’ll get. 

He doesn’t come back to the dormitory much, if just to take a shower and a change of clothes and maybe breakfast if Seungsik can convince him. Seungsik is a little lonely, not seeing him. But more than that, he feels that one day, the mountains will lose its balance, and the pile that had built up so high will fall heavily in Seungwoo’s chest, and the worry fills him, wondering if he will be enough to comfort him then. 

It goes well, and they’re breaking their own records again. More and more people are looking at them fondly and with interest, and it’s good. It’s been good.

All the good keeps them busy, one thing after another, and Seungsik doesn’t want to, but he waits for the other shoe to drop. For something to shatter the floor and wake him up.

.

It drops, not so much with a shatter, but like a blanket, draping over them, too warm and making it a little hard to breathe.

It happens, one night, when things have winded down a bit for the rest of them, after the two weeks of next to no sleep and driving out when the sun hadn’t even risen to get to music show preparations, video shoots, editorials. Work, so much work, and more to come with the online concert, preparations needing to be done soon, too soon.

But, things have not winded down at all for Seungwoo, and if anything, he had been getting less sleep, less rest, making himself busier than he had ever been and filling his days with work, so much of it. 

Seungsik goes to see him as often as he can, when his time permits, and he watches as Seungwoo loses sleep, perfecting everything, letting his truth seep into the music, all of it speaking true to who he is; beautiful, if a little tired of some of the cards life had played him, but fiercely bright, fiercely, undeniably brilliant, refusing to lose his luster.

He trusts that Seungwoo knows what he’s doing, and what he’s doing it for. If this helps him find the calm, then he is grateful for it.

But the worry doesn’t stop, regardless, nor does the love.

It’s late, but not too much such that Seungsik has to worry why Subin and Sejun haven’t come back from their lessons, and he’s alone in the room, showered and ready to go to bed, but something,  _ something,  _ tells him not to, not just yet.

So, he sits, pillow on his lap as he plays a game aimlessly on his phone, waiting to see if this  _ something  _ is just leftover tension, or something else.

The answer comes not much later, with a knock on the door, and when he looks up, Seungwoo is coming in, hair a little mussed, eyes soft in exhaustion, and there’s the  _ something.  _ How he holds himself up with a sigh that looks as though it’s searching for a release; tired, still trying, but tired.

It’s an early hour for him to be back in the dorm, early by his recent standards, and Seungsik puts away his phone instantly, chest feeling heavy as he brings Seungwoo into his fold, letting him tuck himself into his side. He’s quiet, and Seungsik waits. 

It takes a long time, but Seungsik is patient, holding him close, staying with him. He feels Seungwoo bury his face into his neck, the sharp edge of his nose stroking his skin, and then, moments later, a wet trail runs down his neck, and it makes him hold Seungwoo closer, fitting them together, his chest aching with the shared pain.

“Hyung,” he murmurs, and there’s an exhale breathed right against his skin.

“I’m okay,” he answers quietly. “Just tired.”

Seungsik understands. Closes his eyes, brings a hand up to stroke his hair softly, and Seungwoo burrows in deeper, curling into him, seeking his warmth. 

Quiet, a long pause, and it’s like the whole of the dorm is silent along with them. Then, Seungwoo is exhaling again, his breathing soft, and he says, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have any reason to be,” Seungsik tells him, doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t want him to think unkindly of himself, even if just between them. 

Seungwoo is quiet again. Then, he’s pulling back slightly, and his face is open with his exhaustion, his sadness, the stress, the pressure. All of it, building up over weeks, months, and Seungsik suspects, even over years. Now, it’s become too much, the air hard to breathe through everything he had to carry, everything overwhelming him. His cheeks are wet, eyes slightly red and swollen, and Seungsik leans in to press his lips over his lids, feeling the pain in his own body, as if he were an extension of Seungwoo’s. 

“I’ve failed a lot, haven’t I?” Seungwoo says, mostly to himself. 

Seungsik feels the weight on his chest get even heavier, his own eyes stinging. “You’ve done so well, hyung. Look how far you’ve come, how far you’ve led us.”

“I left you to fend for yourselves,” he says, tired, full of regret. 

Seungsik feels himself tremble. “Don’t think like that. Please. What you did, it gave us another life. We’re so grateful for you.”

Seungwoo is quiet, and Seungsik doesn’t know if he’s taking in his words, if he’s accepting it, or if he won’t, refusing them as something meant for him. He watches him, looking down at Seungsik’s chest instead of his face, and Seungsik sees the way he gives up, silent, exhausted, unsure. He feels him tremble slightly, the way he brings his hands up to Seungsik’s chest, clinging onto the front of his shirt, and Seungsik feels him accept his exhaustion, his stress and sadness, quietly.

“Hyung? What’s wrong?” he asks softly, hoping he’s enough to accept it all, carry the weight Seungwoo is bearing on his own. 

Seungwoo closes his eyes, and Seungsik waits, still. “I, I thought that keeping myself busy, doing everything I could, it would make me forget, or. At least, take my mind off things. Just enough, so I could keep going and wait until I felt better about everything, properly. But, things like that. They don’t just leave you.”

Seungsik feels the pain seep into him, says tenderly, “It was a beautiful time, wasn’t it?”

Seungwoo’s exhale leaves him in a shudder, and he answers, “Yes.”

“Then you can let yourself be sad about what had happened,” he says. He cups Seungwoo’s face, feels him breathe softly, leaning against his palm. “We know it means a lot to you. It’s not your fault. You’ve worked  _ so hard.  _ We all love you.”  _ All 16 of us, and beyond.  _

Seungwoo looks at him, and Seungsik holds in his breath as Seungwoo’s eyes film over again with tears. He breathes with him, holds him closely, and listens as Seungwoo says quietly, voice trembling gently, “I love being home. I love making music as us, I love that we’re becoming  _ us _ again. I, I love that I’m here now and it’s brought me to you,” he says, tears falling as he curls into Seungsik more, like he’s trying to melt into him. Seungsik feels his eyes sting, and he’s thankful too, that they’re here now, but it’s all tinged blue, somehow. “I love you, I love you. I’m happy. I’m so happy, really.”

Seungsik breathes in, and he brushes back Seungwoo’s hair from his face, waiting patiently as his chest shudders, biting his lips as he tries to hold himself together, even though between them, he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t ever have to.

“But, I didn’t think that. That after everything,” he says, voice trembling even more as he pauses, exhaling shakily, “After working so hard to keep moving forward. That, I would feel-”

He trails off, inhaling deeply as he loses his words, and Seungsik leans in, leaning their foreheads together, and he says quietly, “Empty?”

Seungwoo trembles. “Like, I’m still back where I was then.” More tears fall from where they’d accumulated in the corners of his eyes, falling down across the bridge of his nose, letting himself feel it all, painful, overwhelming, and even to some degree, necessary. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be,” he says, trying to reassure him. 

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful,” Seungwoo says shakily in a small voice that betrays his tears. 

“I know you aren’t,” Seungsik tells him tenderly, feeling his chest ache, wanting to take any bit of pain away. All of it, if he could, just to take into his own heart, so that Seungwoo wouldn’t have to bear it all.

“I’m just. I’m sad,” he admits, and his breath shudders as he exhales. 

“That’s okay,” Seungsik tells him, waits with him as Seungwoo cries. “It’ll be okay. We’ll all be with you, when it isn’t and when it is.”

Seungwoo makes a small noise, tired, wet, and he leans in to fit himself against Seungsik’s warmth, burrowing in until every curve finds its match in the other, until the space between them is barely worth a breath. When he leans in to kiss him, Seungsik goes easily, closing his eyes as their lips meet, soft, tender, gentle, and he gives everything he has in himself for Seungwoo to lean on. 

Seungwoo cries, breathes slowly, and accepts it all, maybe for the first time, since the dust had settled. 

Seungsik stays with him, and hopes this is enough to give him calm. 

.

The next morning comes, and he doesn’t have the chance to ask how Seungwoo is. They wake up together, tightly wound up one another, squeezed into Seungsik’s bed and it’s early  _ so early,  _ but they’re still running late for the day they have ahead. 

Seungsik wakes everyone up, coaxing them out of their beds and shoving some breakfasts and coffees in their faces so they’re all a little more awake and herds them into getting ready to leave for the company building, and straight into a full day of rehearsals for the concert.

Things move quickly, going through the setlist and figuring out many things as they go, and it’s fun and fulfilling and exhausting altogether, and he watches everyone as best as he can, monitoring, helping Byungchan as he relearns the songs he’d had to sit out on some months ago, making sure everyone is in the right places, and watching Seungwoo from where he is, keeping an eye on him.

It doesn’t surprise him, really, that Seungwoo seems to be working even harder than he usually does, even harder than everyone else is, and he knows that he’ll be the last one to leave, only to go to the studio and not sleep, consuming more caffeine as he burns through the midnight oil. 

Remembering the way he had crawled into his bed, quietly letting himself crumble, if just for a moment, with him. Letting himself accept the pain and exhaustion for what they are, and trusting Seungsik enough to be with him as he works through accepting it, it’s all a privilege, a trust Seungsik doesn’t take lightly. 

He calls for a fifteen minute break after the hell of a half-point run-through, and Sejun and Hanse are running out of the room to get to the vending machines for flavored milk, Byungchan and Chan are collapsing together on the couch, knocked out and drifting into naps almost instantly, and Subin seems to evaporate instantly out of the room. Seungsik watches as Seungwoo exhales deeply, somehow not sweating much at all despite his exhaustion and exertion, and he’s making his way to a little more quiet corner, getting down to the floor and leaning against the wall. 

Seungsik debates about going over to him, or letting him be and giving him the time to just take in the quiet, but it’s then that Seungwoo looks up, catches his eye. His gaze softens, and Seungsik understands then, that taking in the quiet doesn’t necessarily have to be done alone. 

So he comes over to him, taking his spot next to him on the floor, and almost instantly, as soon as he gets to the ground, Seungwoo is turning his body towards him, reaching out and tenderly lacing their fingers together, and kisses him, lips gentle and soft. 

Seungsik breathes him in, melting into it as he kisses him in turn, and when they pull apart, Seungwoo leans his forehead against Seungsik’s, rubbing their noses together. He takes a moment, taking in how Seungwoo is touching him like this, kissing him in a space where it’s just not them, outside the confines of their dorm, and he asks him softly, “Are you okay, hyung?”

Seungwoo smiles. He answers, “Yes. I am. Thank you for being patient with me.”

“Of course,” he tells him, keeps himself still as Seungwoo lowers himself down to rest his head on his lap, curling up into him like a cat. Seungsik can hear him humming, content, almost like a cat purring, and his chest warms gently. He sighs quietly, carding through Seungwoo’s hair, and he tells him, just for him to hear, “I’d do anything for you.”

“That’s an awful lot of pressure to keep on your shoulders,” Seungwoo says lightly, but Seungsik knows the words run deeper than what Seungwoo implies. 

But he just says in reply, “Don’t be worried.”

“I’m not,” he says, closing his eyes, drifting off. “You’re here.”

.

Seungwoo says he’s okay, and Seungsik knows he means it, fully. Sees it in the way he makes noises he can’t quite describe, mostly always high-pitched, mostly always on the verge of laughter. Sees it in the way he  _ burns  _ in rehearsals, pushing everyone else to keep up with him, raising the bar and lifting them all up with him. Sees it in the way he plays around with Subin, Sejun, in the way that even though Seungsik is the one he loves, Seungsik is also the one he still teases most. Sees it in the way he lights up on Tuesday nights, playing with the mini animal figurines during their show, laughing until his eyes become half-moons, sees it in the way that even though he’s tired, he still wraps himself around Seungsik when he pads into the dorm, hours into dawn, and curls around him, sharing his warmth, and when they wake, he greets him with the most affectionate smile, a little worn, but tender and warm all the same. He sees it in the way he laughs when Seungsik stares on when he’s coming out to the set of his album jacket shoot with nothing but a long-sleeved bolero situation, leaving him mostly bare-chested, only to take his hand and run off with him when a break is called for, hiding in the cramped stairwell to kiss him until he’s absolutely needed again. Seungsik is appropriately red, blushing when he gets back to the set, trying not to make what they’d done too obvious, making sure his mask covers his swollen mouth. 

Things get better, gradually, slowly, surely. Seungwoo is smiling, and that’s what matters.

.

Things don’t shatter for Seungsik, either. He discovers that for him, it’s like a road that doesn’t end. He’d began walking, thinking he had an idea of where he would be going, of where the road would lead to, of how long it would take until he got where he needed to be. But, without him realizing, the sky had darkened, leaving him with no light to guide him, unable to see the rocks that would trip him or the forks in the road that lead to somewhere else, and as much as he tries to keep the course, it’s not of any use. He’s lost, and he doesn’t know how to make his way back. 

It’s nothing drastic. Just a culmination of many, many things he thought he could handle, only to realize he wasn’t quite strong enough to carry the collective weight as much as he could. 

He feels very alone. 

(He wants  _ so much  _ for them. He doesn’t want to be told that not all of it can be given. He doesn’t want to raise everyone’s hopes up, only to let them down.)

Things settle into a true blank period, and he knows it’s different this time. Knows that their future is more guaranteed, this time around, and they won’t go through what they’ve been through again.

But. He watches the others, sees them all come down, and somehow, he  _ can’t.  _ Everyone is resting, breathing a little easier, but he can’t. There’s still so much on his mind, thinking about what he wants next for the group, and. What he wants for the  _ two of them,  _ and he doesn’t want to fail. Doesn’t want to fail them, or Seungwoo. Maybe himself, most of all. 

It weighs him down, enough that it makes his head full, trying to find stable ground to keep himself level, his heart heavy, his throat tight. 

“Sorry, I’ll do that again,” he says, swallowing and touching his neck, feeling frustrated with himself as the producer nods on the other side of the glass, telling him not to feel too pressured. 

“You’re doing well,” they tell him, but he feels the pressure nonetheless. The song is poignant, regretful, full of emotion, achingly beautiful. He finds himself sinking into it, much too deeply, compounding on his already heavy heart. Not very many opportunities for soundtracks, and he wants to do well with any that he does get, but everything else is getting to his head, making it just that bit harder to do as well as he can. 

He’s thankful to be trusted, but it’s easy for seeds of doubt to grow. 

He does his best, sings from the truest part of his soul, feels it in the tremor of his voice as he echoes the song’s message. He feels it all so deeply, it makes him clench his hands, holding them close to himself as his lips tremble slightly as he sings. 

It’s rough on him, but he does as well as his condition allows. The staff and producers seem pleased with the result of the day’s work, but Seungsik knows he could have done more. He could always do more, it seems. 

It dwells in his mind, and when they get back to the company, he goes straight into his studio room, feeling himself slip down the slump that seems to be getting steeper, and he can’t explain it. Can’t really put a word to what he’s feeling.

So he works, on lyrics he’d put aside as work had piled up with the group, with songs he’d recorded months ago, only to bury them deep in his files because he didn’t think there was a place for them anywhere. It feels aimless, opening file after file, listening for twenty seconds, until he moves on to the next, then the next, and he finds himself even more listless. 

He feels even more listless, chest feeling uneasy, head clouded. Feels like he’s not doing enough, like there  _ must  _ be something he should be doing, there must be something he could do to make things better. For anything to get better.

He spends so much time trying to find something to do, drifting from one thing to another in his attempt to not feel like he’s sinking, he doesn’t even notice how late it had gotten. Only realizes the lateness of the hour when there’s a knock on the door, snapping him out of his long pause, and when he looks at the time on the corner of his screen, he blinks, not even realizing that much time had passed.

It felt like it had been nothing, but altogether still too long. He didn’t get much done at all, adding to his regret, but he tries to quell it down as he gets up to open the door, sighing deeply as his spine protests after sitting for so long. 

Seungwoo is on the other side of the door, blinking at him, saying quietly, “Hey, you’re still here.”

“Is it just us?” he asks him, letting Seungwoo into the room, feeling his eyes on him. 

“Hmm,” he hums in confirmation, “Everyone else left hours ago. Thought it was just me until I saw your light still on. Thought you went home right after your recording.”

“Was supposed to, but I felt like coming for some reason,” he tells him, and Seungwoo hugs him from behind, tucking his face into his neck, and Seungsik closes his eyes, taking in his warmth. It’s not like everything is better, like the heaviness in his chest just disappears, but being held like this comforts him greatly, and he takes a deep breath, like he’s finally allowed a bit of oxygen and light as the sky clears up around him, giving him even a little bit of clarity. 

They sit themselves down on the couch, and Seungwoo curls up against him, like a cat, laying on his lap and sighing as Seungsik cards his fingers through his hair gently. He asks him, “How did your recording go?”

Seungsik’s chest feels tight again, but he fights to not dwell too much on it. He answers, “It could have gone better.”

Seungwoo looks up at him. He blinks, and he reaches up to touch Seungsik’s cheek tenderly. He tells him, “I’m sure it turned out well.”

Seungsik breathes in, doubting the words instantly, but he doesn’t want to think about it. He holds Seungwoo’s hand to his cheek, asks him instead, “How about you? How are things coming along?”

Seungwoo’s eyes stay on him, blinking slowly and the concern visible on his face, and Seungsik knows that Seungwoo can tell he’s trying to divert the conversation. But he answers regardless, saying, “It’s a little slow, but it’s coming along. I’m getting there.”

“That’s good,” he says, giving him a small smile. Seungwoo keeps looking at him, and Seungsik can read his face, knows that he wants to ask him  _ more,  _ wants to know what’s on his mind. 

The thought scares Seungsik, for some reason. He knows,  _ knows,  _ that of anyone, he can trust Seungwoo most. Knows that he won’t be judged, knows that Seungwoo might be able to put a name to what he’s feeling. Seungwoo would understand, and love him despite it. 

But,  _ but.  _

He diverts again, asks him, “Are you sleeping here?”

He stares on, and it’s too long, too soft, and Seungsik feels vulnerable under his gaze. He wants to be,  _ wants  _ so desperately to just let himself be a little more open, but he holds it in, knowing that he’d taken this on for a reason. He can’t buckle now. 

“I don’t know. Was going to, but I don’t feel like it anymore,” Seungwoo tells him. He doesn’t stop looking at him. 

Seungsik tries not to let it affect him too much, and he asks him, “How much longer will you be working, then?”

“Hard to tell,” he says, “still a lot to be done. But, if you want to go back now, I can come back to do this tomorrow-“

“No, no, it’s okay,” Seungsik says, shaking his head, not wanting Seungwoo to change his plans just because of him. He berates himself silently, knows he’s not worth the effort, says, “You go on ahead and do what you need to do. I can wait.”

Seungwoo looks at him, his concern evident. “Sik,” he begins, and he pauses, trying to gather his words. Seungsik tries not to show his nervousness, not knowing what he’ll say, but eventually, Seungwoo just tells him gently, “You don’t need to wait for me. You’ve been working a lot, you should go rest.”

It’s clear on his face that he wants to say more. Wants to say  _ something else,  _ wants to ask him what’s wrong, and somehow, Seungsik doesn’t know if he’s relieved he doesn’t ask, or disappointed.

Somehow, in that moment, he deflates, the oxygen leaving his lungs again. He can’t come up with anything else to say, feels himself sink again, so he just says, “Okay.”

Seungwoo blinks, and he’s sitting up then, only to face him, touching his cheek gently as he asks, “Sik. Baby, is. Is there something wrong?”

He lays the opportunity out there for him, gives him the chance to lean on him, open up a little, and Seungsik looks at him, feeling his chest ache at how much he wants to  _ give in.  _

He almost does, but, somehow, he  _ can’t.  _ Cannot say anything other than, “No, I’m okay. Probably just tired.”

He can tell Seungwoo knows he’s not telling him everything. But, he doesn’t push, not today, and just nods quietly, then says, “Come here.”

Seungsik comes closer, closes his eyes as Seungwoo presses their lips together in a soft kiss, gentle, lingering, warm. Seungsik lets himself be comforted by it, kisses him in turn, another small gush of air into his lungs, a little bit more light to make the road a little more bearable

“I love you,” Seungwoo tells him, voice soft but the words unquestioning, sure, the gaze he gives him so full of many things Seungsik can’t identify.

“I love you too,” he replies, accepts it. 

“Talk to me, okay?” he tells him, cradling Seungsik’s face closer and pressing another kiss on his lips. “I’ll listen to you, no matter what it is.”

Seungsik feels his chest go tight, and his eyes sting, but he holds it in. Smiles quietly, says, “Okay, hyung.”

He loves him so much. He doesn’t want to burden him. He can do this, he  _ has to.  _

The dorm is quiet when he gets back, and it’s late, but not late enough for it too be this silent. Subin would usually still be up, waiting for Seungwoo, or Hanse and Sejun would be in the living room, having dragged out a mattress from one of their rooms to watch YouTube videos for hours on end, but today, it’s pindrop-quiet, and he sighs, feeling himself sink into the earth a little more as the rain comes down around him. 

He doesn’t make it to the room. He goes over to the sofa, barely enough energy to shrug off his jacket as he curls up in the cushions, tired of thinking and keeping it all in, and he closes his eyes, and sleep comes almost instantly. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s out for, but knows enough that when he wakes easily at the sound of the door being unlocked and opened that Seungwoo is back, the hour blurring the line between late and early. 

Seungsik doesn’t move, forces himself to close his eyes, curling up into the sofa even more, not knowing why, but hoping Seungwoo won’t come over to wake him. Wants him to go and rest, sleep, not fret over him, go to his room, or even to  _ Seungsik’s  _ room, not wanting to take anything that might be of comfort to Seungwoo. Just wants him to not worry over him.

Though, he supposes, sleeping on their rather small sofa, fully dressed from the day, isn’t helping things. 

It’s not that he  _ doesn’t  _ want Seungwoo near. He always does, a weakness. But he can admit, at least this, in the very least, that he is overwhelmed, the darkness making him a little more lost, even more unsure of where he’s going, and right now, even if he doesn’t know if it will help him, the space to breathe and be alone is what he wants. 

Seungsik hears him pause at the door, knows that Seungwoo has seen him, the silence and absence of footsteps indicating that he’s taking him in, pausing to look on. Seungsik doesn’t move still, because even though he’s uncomfortable, he’s  _ fine,  _ really. 

(In the back of his mind, he knows that the way he’s reacting to everything he’s feeling isn’t healthy. That it may even be kind of illogical, in a sense, but. He doesn’t stop himself, even though his head is telling him to.)

The pause stretches on for a moment more. Then, his heart pounds as he hears Seungwoo pad over to him, the sofa sinking where he sits on the edge beside him, and his hand, warm, tender as it cups his face. Seungsik keeps his eyes close, fights to keep his expression neutral, as asleep as he can muster, even as Seungwoo brushes his fingers through his hair gently.

“Sik?” Seungwoo’s voice is soft, quiet, closer than Seungsik had anticipated, and he realizes Seungwoo is leaning over him, his face close to Seungsik’s ear. “Seungsik, baby. Let’s get you to your bed.”

He wants to cry. He doesn’t know why. 

He breathes slowly, steady and low, like he knows he does when he sleeps. Tonight, just for tonight, he wants to be alone. He’ll be strong tomorrow, he promises. 

Just tonight, he needs this for himself. 

So he sleeps on, hoping Seungwoo won’t be mad in the morning. 

He doesn’t move, and somehow, Seungwoo doesn’t push. Tries one more time, voice even softer than before, and then, he doesn’t try again, understanding. 

Seungsik feels his chest had been stabbed with how tight, aching it feels, as Seungwoo sighs quietly, leaning back up. The warmth leaves, the weight at the edge of the couch gone, and he keeps his eyes closed, squeezing his hands into fists as he staves off the sadness that wants to spill over as he listens to the footsteps padding away, a door being opened, then closed. 

He’ll be strong tomorrow. Tomorrow. 

But, for now. Even if just for the next few hours, he’ll sleep, let himself forget that he’s lost on the road, not knowing where to go. 

He breathes slowly, prepares for a quiet, lonely night. But, he hears a door open, and footsteps. A pause, and then, there’s a warmth blanketing over him, thick covers tenderly laid over his body, and somehow, graceful, loving fingers guiding his head up from the flat cushions, a pillow even more gently placed under him, giving his head and neck relief. 

Seungsik feels like choking, his chest unbearably tight, eyes stinging and threatening to flow despite how tightly he’s keeping them closed. Seungwoo’s hands are achingly tender as they rest on Seungsik’s hip, steady, present, quiet. Full of so much understanding and acceptance, though not verbal, it means  _ everything.  _ Patience and love and a wordless, but clear,  _ ‘It’s okay, just sleep, I understand,’  _ and Seungsik breathes quietly, gratitude and even just some peace filling his lungs. 

And despite the late hour, despite everything that Seungsik isn’t telling him, despite Seungsik  _ knowing  _ Seungwoo is aware he’s not actually asleep, Seungwoo stays until Seungsik finally, truly slips into slumber, too kind for what he deserves. 

It’s not as if Seungsik is any less lost than he was. But, for a while, he’s reminded that he’s not alone as he walks along the road. 

He hopes quietly to himself, that he’s not as weak tomorrow. 

.

He tries for a while. He does his best, for a while. Things are okay, he’s as strong on the tomorrows as his mind allows, and he leads them well enough. 

Then, even with how hard he had been working to be okay, it happens on a rest day.

He had been doing as he had always done. Wakes everyone up, tries to get them to eat on time, and he works, works, works, despite everyone else getting short naps in after lunch, sitting in the living room to watch videos or play on their phones,  _ resting. _ Does as he’s always done, to the best of his abilities, tries to be there for everyone, hoping he’s enough. 

It didn’t shatter for him, either. It’s just, as he’s setting his alarm to wake up before six the next morning, thinking of what they’re going to do when they get to the broadcast station to film, of how he’s going to guide them all through this—

And then, the road is empty again where he stands right in the middle of it, alone. It’s dark, and he can’t see much before him, the air a little thin. 

He had been okay, and now, he isn’t.

He should have known that him getting overwhelmed would be an inevitability. 

He’s not strong, not like Seungwoo was when he was doing this for all of them. His head feels heavy, and he had thought, had let himself believe that he can endure it all, endure just  _ a little more,  _ but now, he can’t. 

He doesn’t know why he feels so empty. Doesn’t feel like doing  _ anything.  _ Just sits on his bed, not really feeling his hunger, so, so  _ tired,  _ not really understanding anything in his mind. Just knowing that he’s sitting in the middle of the road, not knowing where he belongs.

He swallows, looking up from where he had been staring at his lap for what feels too long. The other two are already asleep in their beds, and it strikes him, then, how long he had been still. 

His chest feels tight, but somehow, despite the ache, he’s numb.

He blinks, blinks again, trying to understand, trying to make things even just a little bit clearer. Trying to think of what he can do, of what he wants. 

He feels alone. Really alone.

_ ‘I’ll listen to you, no matter what it is,’  _ he remembers then. His chest aches, as if a hand had reached in and curled around his soul, crushing him quietly, his hands tremble, and he feels  _ shame  _ crumble his resolve. 

He told himself he would endure, endure as Seungwoo did, that he wouldn’t burden anyone with something as fleeting and insignificant as this. But, he stands, feeling selfish as he makes his way out of the room, making his way out to the shared space, then to Seungwoo’s room. 

He stands outside, and he stills, staring at the door. It’s not lost on him then that this isn’t something he’s done. That beyond the door is a bed unfamiliar to him, a space he hasn’t intruded on, and doesn’t know if he’s welcome in. 

Between them, the safe space had always been Seungsik’s bed. That Seungwoo would find his way to him, that they would find themselves curled up in each other in his shared room, that Seungsik would hold Seungwoo as he bares his soul, just to him. 

Seungsik is not supposed to be weak. He doesn’t know if he can be, with so many depending on him. With Seungwoo, leaning on him. 

He stares, and he breathes. Changes his mind, makes to go back to the room, but—

“Sikie?” 

Seungsik freezes. He turns his head, sees Seungwoo prying off his mask from his face, still in his jacket and clearly having just arrived. He looks tired, but his eyes are bright, looking at him gently, patiently. 

Seungsik swallows, doesn’t know what to say. Seungwoo waits, and eventually, Seungsik asks him, voice stilted, “You went out?” 

“I just wanted a little time at the studio,” he replies, and Seungsik didn’t even realize he had left after dinner. It makes him feel doubly awful for his lack of attention. “It’s late, what are you still doing up?”

Seungsik looks at him, and there’s something about Seungwoo that always calms him, but also makes him even more nervous than he was. He knows Seungwoo can read him, and it makes him feel trapped, not knowing what to say. So he doesn’t, and still, Seungwoo waits, waits even though Seungsik isn’t sure if he can admit his loneliness. 

Selfishly, unfairly, Seungsik wants him to understand, to just  _ know  _ what’s going on, to know what he wants. To offer his hand out, like he had a few days ago, to help guide him along the way, or, at least to let him know he’s not walking the road alone. 

Seungsik knows it’s unfair to pin all of that hope on Seungwoo. So, he just says, smiling weakly, “Nothing. I was just wondering if you had gotten back.”

It’s weak, a paper-thin excuse. They both know it, and Seungsik feels the shame eat him up. 

But Seungwoo, too  _ beautiful,  _ too  _ deserving  _ of someone who is better than what Seungsik can offer, doesn’t push, and gives him a small smile. “You want to come in?”

He offers out his hand for Seungsik to take. 

The oxygen fills Seungsik’s lungs, the acceptance, understanding, filling him _ peace,  _ painful but like relief, in a way Seungsik had been desperate to feel. 

He doesn’t think he can refuse anymore. It’s all he can do to nod, a soft, “Okay,” and Seungwoo takes his hand in his, the touch familiar, his palm warm against his, and he opens the door for them, leading him in. 

Seungwoo’s room is small, neat, a little bit in disarray, but Seungsik understands. With all those hours in the studio, there’s not much time or energy to be excessively clean when all Seungwoo wants to do when he gets back to the dorm is sleep. 

And, anyway. Most nights are always spent in Seungsik’s bed, taking in each other’s warmth. Where Seungsik gives him everything he has, and hopes tomorrow is better for him. 

“I’ll just take a quick shower,” Seungwoo tells him softly, “Is that okay?”

Seungsik nods, not knowing why Seungwoo has to ask him for permission when he’s the one being an inconvenience, invading his safe space. Seungwoo’s gaze is soft, and he leans in to kiss his cheek, like he knows how tattered Seungsik feels, how his thread is about to snap, and wanting to give him soft comfort. 

Seungsik leans into it, closing his eyes at the brief press of Seungwoo’s lips on his cheek, and watching as Seungwoo gathers his things to go to the bathroom, and then, he’s alone. 

He doesn’t quite know what to do, feeling still like he’s outside of his body, and somehow, his feet guide him to Seungwoo’s bed. The pillow and covers Seungwoo had covered him with a few nights ago are spread over the mattress, and just seeing it makes the threads holding him together even tighter, taut with pressure and tension, like he’s moments away from crying. 

His breath shudders, and the road is still dark ahead of him. He hopes silently that Seungwoo won’t be cross with him as he lifts up the covers, lays on the bed, trying, trying, trying. 

It’s settling into him, the warmth of Seungwoo’s room, despite the newness of it. The room is so  _ familiar,  _ everything so Seungwoo, and Seungsik has been here hundreds,  _ thousands  _ of times. But still, somehow, even with the constant  _ ‘You don’t belong here,’  _ burning his soul, he lets himself be selfish, taking in the warmth of the blankets, Seungwoo’s bed and the walls around him.

He knows he doesn’t belong here. He knows he should just go back to his room, knows that he needs to just endure, endure until it falls away, he knows it’s what he needs to do. 

But. He doesn’t want to endure anymore. And for it, he knows he’s weak. 

Seungwoo doesn’t take very long, coming back into the room with a towel around his hips and his used clothes in his hand, quickly deposited to the laundry pile. He gives Seungsik a small smile, and Seungsik returns it as well as he could, watching as Seungwoo dries himself, comfortably shedding off the towel and pulling on his clothes to sleep in, and not for the first time, Seungsik sees home in him. 

“Sorry, I just got in without asking,” he says quietly as Seungwoo finishes up, but Seungwoo doesn’t look angry at all. His eyes are soft, and he comes over, lifting up the covers, sliding in next to him and pulling him in close. 

He’s warm, so warm, and Seungsik fights not to tremble, lets Seungwoo wrap his arms around him, pulling him to his chest. Seungsik closes his eyes, sighs softly against his shirt, curling into him, accepting the kindness. 

“Don’t be sorry. I was going to cuddle you in bed anyway,” Seungwoo tells him, his voice light, but Seungsik hears it. Seungwoo’s quiet understanding, offered in his arms and tender gaze and the silence of the room. 

He breathes slowly, taking in the silence, and Seungwoo doesn’t speak either. He just holds him, leaning in to nuzzle his nose against Seungsik’s neck, humming as he goes. 

Seungsik knows Seungwoo won’t bring it up himself. Knows that he’s just waiting for Seungsik to break the silence, or to leave the quiet as is. Is there for Seungsik in whatever way he needs him, whatever way he decides, not to push for something he might not be ready for, and Seungsik wants to believe that he’s offering to him a space that’s safe, accepting, loving between them, the way he had given to him. 

He breathes, not knowing what to make of the silence between them. He asks quietly instead, “Were you able to work well, today?”

“Yeah,” Seungwoo answers, says the words against Seungsik’s hair. “I got a lot done, even though I wasn’t out for very long.”

“That’s good,” Seungsik says softly, not knowing what else to say. He finds that he doesn’t have very many words to begin with, and a silence falls over them again. It’s comfortable, but thick, and he doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know if he should just leave it like this.

But then, Seungwoo is leaning back, just enough so he can look at Seungsik’s face. His eyes are endlessly kind, his smile soft, and his love evident, so clear in his expression. “Thank you.”

Seungsik blinks, but it’s so simple. Just those two words, and he feels like he’s collapsing, but like he’s finally,  _ finally,  _ allowed to do so. “For what?” he asks, tries to steady his voice, but he’s teetering over the edge. 

But Seungwoo doesn’t judge him for it. His face softens, and he says, “Thank you for taking care of us. Of me. We’re really lucky, to have you.”

And that’s it. All it takes is this,  _ this,  _ and Seungsik cannot endure anymore. 

The tears come easily, unwanted but relieving, and Seungsik cries, cries hard and quiet and he doesn’t stop, months and months of emotions he’s held in, spilling over. 

“Sorry,  _ sorry,”  _ he sobs, covering his face with his hand, knowing he’s a  _ mess,  _ knowing he shouldn’t be like this. 

“It’s okay,” Seungwoo says, the words as soft as Seungsik has ever heard him, and he feels Seungwoo’s slender fingers gently tapping against his knuckles, the back of his fingers, letting him know he’s there for him. “You’ve worked so hard. You’re doing really well.”

Seungsik can’t stop crying. He tries, but he can’t, and Seungwoo just holds him, keeps him close, grounds him. “I, I’m sorry, about the other night. I should have told you then, that I was having a hard time.”

“It’s okay, you don’t need to explain yourself,” Seungwoo murmurs, “I understand. I can’t imagine everything you’re trying to hold in.”

Seungsik can’t get his own head around it. He’s overwhelmed, so  _ tired,  _ and he feels his incompetence and selfishness deeply. But he just cries, getting Seungwoo’s pillow and blankets and their clothes wet, but Seungwoo pulls him in even closer, letting him curl into his warmth, comforting him quietly. 

“Sorry,” he can’t seem to stop saying. He says it again, “sorry, I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

“You don’t need to hold back with any of us,” Seungwoo tells him softly, brushing back his hair. “Especially not with me.”

Seungsik chokes on a breath, sobs and coughs, and Seungwoo soothes him with gentle words, rubbing his back, kissing his forehead tenderly. It  _ aches,  _ everything aches. “I, I should have done this for you, when you were leading us. I’m sorry.”

“You did, all the time,” Seungwoo tells him, “I don’t think you realized. But you really did.”

Seungsik trembles, shaking his head. He’s supposed to be brave, supposed to be strong,  _ stronger  _ than he usually is, because of what he’s taken on. He knows he has to endure, he knows it all, but here he is. 

Seungwoo holds him tighter, as if he can see what’s in his mind.

“I shouldn’t be like this,” he says, but he cries on. “I shouldn’t falter like this, I need to do better.”

“You are,” Seungwoo’s voice is barely above a whisper. “Sik, baby-”

“I’m not,” he says. Feels shame fill him, “I’m not like you, even though I should be.”

“Hey, don’t,” he tells him, and he gently coaxes him to put his hand down. Seungsik feels ridiculous, pathetic as he lets Seungwoo guide his hand away from his face, knows his face is swollen and his eyes are red and he looks awful, and he wants to hide himself away again, but Seungwoo cups his face, much too tenderly, and kisses him, love lining his lips. 

“Don’t look down on yourself,” he tells him, and Seungsik sobs again, going red as he hiccups against Seungwoo’s mouth, but Seungwoo doesn’t seem bothered. Just kisses him again, tells him, “You’re a great leader. Don’t say that about yourself.”

“You never cried like this,” he says, ashamed, embarrassed.

Seungwoo gives him a small smile, a little sad, “Maybe I should have. I didn’t have the courage to let myself cry, admit I was getting overwhelmed. It’s not weak, to cry.”

Seungsik goes silent, and Seungwoo’s words are too kind for him. He doesn't deserve them. 

The silence stretches on, and Seungsik cries, still, and Seungwoo holds him, quiet with him, letting him be overwhelmed.

Seungsik didn’t realize how much just letting himself acknowledge it would be so freeing.

“I’m sorry,” Seungwoo says quietly, breaking the silence between them. 

Seungsik looks at him, the tears still flowing, chest tattered and like his disappointment in himself making his nerves jump. He reaches up with a shaking hand, touching Seungwoo’s cheek gently, “You’re not the one who made me cry.”

“But you’re carrying the burden now, because I left it,” he says. His expression is sad, but accepting, his apology sincere. “I’m sorry. It’s making you burn.”

“Don’t say that,” he says, feels his tears running down his cheeks again, closing his eyes as he leans into Seungwoo. “I’m carrying it because you trusted me. You all trusted me, and I wanted you to feel lighter.”

“You make me feel very loved,” Seungwoo says, wiping Seungsik’s tears gently. His words are soft, thankful, weighted with his love. 

“Because I do,” Seungsik tells him. He feels like crying all over again, “I love you.”

“You loved me enough to endure like this,” he says. His voice is sad, but grateful, full of affection. 

Seungsik closes his eyes again, and the tears fall anyway. Seungwoo isn’t wrong. He would do anything for him.

“Oh,  _ Sik,”  _ Seungwoo breathes, sighing quietly. Brings him closer still, cupping his face gently. “I’m sorry. I wish I could help you more.”

“It’s okay,” he replies. He catches his breath, and listens closely to Seungwoo’s. Slows it down, until they’re in time with each other, and he knows Seungwoo slowed his own breathing down to help him along, waiting for him to reach him, as he’s always done.

“We were selfish, weren’t we?” Seungwoo says after a long silence. “I was selfish.”

“No, you’re not. None of you are,” Seungsik tells him. And to him, it didn’t matter if they were. 

That’s why he did all of this. So they could afford to be more ambitious, more selfish with what they wanted to do. So they could put themselves first and breathe easier.

“I depend on you too much, don’t I?” Seungwoo asks him, “I didn’t notice you buckling earlier. I should have. I’m sorry.”

Seungsik wants to shake his head. He knows it’s not Seungwoo’s responsibility to look after him, and he should take care of himself.

But. Despite all the responsibilities he knows he has, he lets himself be held, be understood. 

And at this moment, even if he’s crumbled in a way he promised he never would, Seungwoo holds him, and Seungsik lets the shame evaporate, and an acceptance of the things he can’t always control fills him slowly. Not all at once, but he knows, with time, he’ll get there.

“I’m okay,” Seungsik tells him, but also, says mostly for himself. “I’m okay.”

“You are,” Seungwoo says, not even questioning him for a moment. His smile is quiet and bright. “You’re doing so well. I love you.”

Seungsik feels warm. It calms his soul, and he breathes, leaning against the kiss Seungwoo presses onto his forehead. He has a long way to go, but he’s thankful for the moment to breathe.

“Thank you, hyung,” he says. It feels inadequate for the relief he’s given, but Seungwoo smiles for him, even softer, even kinder. He’s held, loved, until he falls asleep, not completely at peace, but feeling like the road isn’t as dark as it had been, his hand held warmly as he’s pulled up on to his feet, a smile offering to go with him along the way.

.

When he wakes the following morning, it’s to a soft light, a warm bed that smells of Seungwoo, but he’s alone. He blinks slowly, feeling tired, and he looks at his phone, and realizes his alarm had been turned off for him. It’s not too much later that he panics, but it still makes him frown slightly to miss it.

Seungwoo’s side of the bed is warm, and Seungsik yawns a little as he sits up, rubbing his eyes as he wakes himself up a little more. He’d cried an embarrassing amount the night before, but he feels a lot better. Not everything is completely okay, he knows it will be a long while until he fully accepts that not everything can be controlled, nor helped, but it will all be okay. 

He’s not alone. And accepting the hands offered to him is wonderful relief. 

He makes his way out of the room, padding over to the kitchen, drinking in the silence. He pauses upon seeing Byungchan, Sejun, and Chan at the counter, assembling what looks to be some ramen, some eggs, some ham and tiny vienna sausages to go along with, a certainly much nicer breakfast than they would indulge themselves in on a packed day of schedules. 

Hanse is making coffee, Subin is fixing up the table, and Seungwoo is coming over to him, smiling, looking like home, and he holds out his hand for him. 

Seungsik takes it, not understanding what’s going on, wondering why he’s the last one awake, why they’re having  _ breakfast  _ like this, but he goes along with it, smiles when five more smiles come his way, not much later. 

He finds that he doesn’t say much as they eat, and the others don’t speak much either. But Chan stands next to him as he washes the dishes, offering to do it for him, helping him instead when Seungsik waves him off instead of leaving. Byungchan makes him a cup of yuzu tea when he offhandedly says he feels cold, unprompted, telling him that he shouldn’t get cold, and Hanse sits next to him in the waiting room during a break during filming, making a little quiet between them when things are a little loud around them. Subin teases him mercilessly in front of the camera, and they all laugh together, and Seungsik smiles, thankful for the normalcy, and as soon as it’s off, Subin comes over to him, his smile a little softer, asking him if he wanted to get some juice from the vending machine he had seen outside with him. Sejun sits next to him at dinner, piling food on his plate, though more often than not, he’ll pick at Seungsik’s plate and pick at the food he’d  _ just  _ given him, grinning as he eats it himself, and Seungsik lets him, not even a little bit annoyed. 

They’ve all been rather quiet today, especially for their standards. It doesn’t feel much different, but at the same time, it feels like everyone had been more affectionate, more loving. Like they wanted to assure him, in their own ways, that they appreciate what he’s done for them. 

“Did you say anything to them?” he asks Seungwoo about it later that night, after Seungwoo had brought him into his room and, with permission Seungsik gives him easily, comfortably, undressed him, only to dress him up in a pajama top, and  _ just  _ the top. 

Seungsik would be disappointed at the non-sexiness of the situation, feeling a little ridiculous at being half-naked, but when Seungwoo strips off his own clothes and slides on the matching pair of pajama bottoms, and  _ just  _ the bottoms, Seungsik finds himself blushing, how whole face red, and he hides himself under the covers, ignoring Seungwoo’s smirks and teasing as he slides in next to him, gripping his bare thighs thoughtfully with his criminally slender, gorgeous fingers. 

“I may have put a word in,” Seungwoo replies, nosing Seungsik’s neck and nipping lightly at his skin, pulling back the collar slightly to get at his shoulders. 

Seungsik blushes even more at the easy affection he’s receiving, but his mind is a little heavy. He puts a hand on Seungwoo’s chest, pushing him back slightly, a silent request for him to pause. 

Seungwoo leans back instantly, and his eyes are on Seungsik, respectful and light. “What is it? I’m sorry. I should have asked if you wanted-”

“I do,” Seungsik says, but he stills, thinking of the right way to say what he wants to tell him. He takes a moment, before settling with, “I didn’t want to make anyone feel guilty.”

Seungwoo’s expression goes soft. “I know you didn’t,” he says, leaning in to kiss his cheek, before trailing his lips down to his shoulder, and staying there. “This isn’t that. It’s just, you’ve been working hard. We appreciate you. We love you, you should know that.”

“I do know,” Seungsik says, and  _ oh god,  _ does he know. He’s so  _ lucky,  _ so fortunate, to be loved like this. “I love all of you, too. Wouldn’t do this for anyone else.”

Seungwoo gives him the softest smile, the kind that makes his eyes just light up with the softest glow, and he kisses him again, his mouth tender and making Seungsik melt with the touch.

“You know, you don’t need to endure so much,” Seungwoo says against his lips. His hand brushes against the top of Seungsik’s head, and the other finds its way under the shirt, his thumb brushing against his hip, and Seungsik sighs under his touch, and his words. “Even if it’s just with me.”

“Of course I do,” Seungsik just replies, because it’s the truth. Of course he needs to endure, but he knows now that if he falters, he doesn’t need to stay lost. There are people who love him, someone who  _ loves him,  _ who will be there when he needs the quiet. “But it’s okay. It really is. Things are good.”

Seungwoo’s eyes shine. He leans in, blanketing himself over Seungsik’s body, and he presses his lips against his in a deep kiss, full of love, affection, pride. “We can do this together, okay?” he tells him, his fingertips tender as anything on Seungsik’s cheek. “There’ll be mistakes, because there always will be. But we can do this.”

Seungsik smiles, feeling calm, assured, loved. It’s been slow going, but he feels it, like he’s truly accepted. “Yeah. We can do this.”

.

.

.

They do well. 

Them, as seven, and he and Seungwoo, as the brightest thing in his life.

Seungsik does his best, as he does with everything. Things are far from perfect, but things are settling, and he sees that Seungwoo and everyone are so much  _ brighter  _ these days, happy and busy and finding their footing in the industry, finally, and it’s all worth it. The roads are clear ahead of them, brightly lit and there are hands holding his as they go along the route, their seven pieces finding their place within each other again. 

“Here,” Seungwoo comes up to him that night, tucking himself next to Seungsik on his bed and placing something on his palm. 

Seungsik looks at him, locking his phone and glancing down at whatever he had placed in his hand. 

It’s a tiny ring, clearly handmade, but still crafted with care, bright pink beads threaded together to make a ring that he knows will fit his fingers well. 

“What’s this for?” Seungsik asks Seungwoo, staying still as Seungwoo wriggles down to rest his head on Seungsik’s belly, picking up the trinket from his palm and taking Seungsik’s hand, sliding it down his index finger. Seungsik feels his chest warm, his face go hot as Seungwoo admires the view.

“Just something I made,” Seungwoo says casually, but Seungsik sees his ears go red.

“So you were making the other one for me,” Seungsik asks him, and Seungwoo turns his head to look at him, eyes glinting and cheeks pink. He leans up, pinching Seungsik’s cheek gently and laughing when Seungsik blushes, and it makes it even prettier in his eyes. Thinking about how Seungwoo had been working hard, making this on live broadcast, so that he and Seungsik would have a set that would match between them. Something that’s theirs, just theirs. 

Seungsik feels like showing it off, and keeping it  _ just  _ for himself, at the same time. 

Seungwoo turns over a little more, until he’s resting his cheek on Seungsik’s stomach as he looks up at him. He asks, a little suddenly, his tone soft, “Are you happy, Sikie? Is it hard?”

Seungsik smiles, melting quietly, understanding the real breadth of Seungwoo’s question. Of shouldering everything and keeping it in because he needs to, they need him to. “Of course it’s hard. But it doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I am, I’m really happy. Especially now.”

It’s Seungwoo who blushes this time. Seungsik smiles, wondering how someone can be so  _ cute.  _ “I wish I could give you more,” he says quietly, earnestly. 

Seungsik looks at him. Reaches down and takes Seungwoo’s hand in his, so the rings he’d made for them touch. He smiles, tells him, leaving no room for doubt, “What makes you think you haven’t given me everything already?”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> "I was always walking in place, _then, the sun set._ "
> 
> title taken from seungwoo's opening verse of light, to which a lot of this is written.
> 
> thank you for taking the time. i appreciate you a lot. 
> 
> [this is me](https://twitter.com/xiusikwoo)


End file.
